Latter-day Saint Life

11 Things I Wish I Had Known as a Young Woman

45013.jpg

Author's note: I want to be clear that I am not a certified psychologist or a specialist on female adolescent development. I am one woman who is fortunate to have a job that exposes me to stories and gospel truths on a daily basis that expand my experience and knowledge. I hope some of what I can share will help others understand their place and purpose in the Church a little more fully.

I loved my Young Women leaders in the Church—they loved me fully and taught me well. But there are some transformative truths I now cherish that I wish I could have known earlier in life. Here are the things I wish I had known as a young woman:

1. The Atonement covers everything. Period.

No matter what you have done, no matter what object lessons you've experienced, no matter what someone may have told you, and no matter what you are telling yourself, the Atonement is infinite and it is there for you. It covers every sin, heals every hurt, and atones for every mistake. Period. No buts or exceptions.

As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland proclaims:

"However late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines."

But extending forgiveness is only one facet of the Atonement. When others hurt us in ways that feel irreversible and seem unforgivable, the Atonement will help us find peace, healing, grace, and forgiveness. Alissa Parker, whose 6-year-old daughter was killed in the Sandy Hook shooting, testifies, "Heavenly Father helped me see the man who murdered my daughter through His eyes. For me, forgiveness isn’t just this one moment where you decide that you’re done and you’ve forgiven someone and it’s over. It’s a process." Even in the moments when you don't have the strength to extend forgiveness, the Savior will lend you His.

The Atonement also covers the soul-shaking pain, hurts, and trials of your testimony you will experience as a product of life because the Savior has traveled your path. He knows the questions and cuts tearing at your soul. He will help you forgive and love yourself. And He will help magnify your joys and hope. Mental illness, spiritual apathy, excruciating loss, heartbreak, finding love, joy, embracing the peace of the Spirit—the Atonement is in it all and can bless us through everything.

2. Sexual intimacy is a sacrament.

When we understand the purpose and sanctity of sex, much of the questioning and wondering about chastity disappears. As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland declares:

"May I suggest that human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married couple, deals with a symbol that demands special sanctity. Such an act of love between a man and a woman is—or certainly was ordained to be—a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to suggest in the temple with a word like seal. . . .
"Sexual intimacy is not only a symbolic union between a man and a woman—the uniting of their very souls—but it is also symbolic of a union between mortals and deity, between otherwise ordinary and fallible humans uniting for a rare and special moment with God himself and all the powers by which he gives life in this wide universe of ours.
"In this latter sense, human intimacy is a sacrament, a very special kind of symbol. For our purpose here today, a sacrament could be any one of a number of gestures or acts or ordinances that unite us with God and his limitless powers. . . .
"These are moments when we quite literally unite our will with God's will, our spirit with his spirit, where communion through the veil becomes very real. At such moments we not only acknowledge his divinity, but we quite literally take something of that divinity to ourselves. Such are the holy sacraments. . . . [I]f our definition of sacrament is that act of claiming and sharing and exercising God's own inestimable power, then I know of virtually no other divine privilege so routinely given to us all—women or men, ordained or unordained, Latter-day Saint or non-Latter-day Saint—than the miraculous and majestic power of transmitting life, the unspeakable, unfathomable, unbroken power of procreation. . . .
"And I submit to you that you will never be more like God at any other time in this life than when you are expressing that particular power. Of all the titles he has chosen for himself, Father is the one he declares, and Creation is his watchword—especially human creation, creation in his image. His glory isn't a mountain, as stunning as mountains are. It isn't in sea or sky or snow or sunrise, as beautiful as they all are. It isn't in art or technology, be that a concerto or computer. No, his glory—and his grief—is in his children. You and I, we are his prized possessions."

► You'll also like: A Powerful Letter to Young Mormons About Sex and What They Need to Understand

3. Life will not meet your expectations—and that's a good thing.

Your career, your education, who you become, when you marry, who you marry, what your family looks like, in short, all of the major points you have mapped out for your life will not meet your expectations. But, if you are relying on your Heavenly Father for direction, they will surpass your expectations in ways you couldn't anticipate. Whether some of your goals end in unanticipated success or epic failure, one constant remains in life—change. And no matter how many plans we make, we can never anticipate the twists and turns of life, sudden illnesses, ways people let you down, and the unexpected joys you will find in each new transition. So decide now. You can either live your life embracing change or live life consumed by disappointment. Let go of your expectations now and surrender yourself to following revelation. Be flexible. Find optimism in every circumstance. And embrace the adventure of it all. Remember, God can make more of your life than you ever could, so let Him.


Brad Wilcox's The Continuous Atonement is a landmark work that helps to clarify what the Atonement is—and what it isn't. It corrects misperceptions and offers hope to those who struggle again and again.

This teen adaptation will help teenagers better understand and apply the Atonement in their lives and help them teach the nuances of the Atonement to others, whether on a mission, at home, or with friends. As they better understand and apply the Atonement, its transforming power will have a lasting effect in their lives.


4. We need to get comfortable with questions.

Whether you have questions about Church history—"How could such-and-such happen?"—or much more personal questions—"Do I have a place in this Church?"—know that questions have power and can drive us closer to our Heavenly Father. After all, our Church began with a question from a 14-year-old boy. Many answers only come after we seek, wrestle, and search—why else would the scriptures be filled with the phrase "ask, and ye shall receive"? But the only way these questions can "pierce the veil and gain the help of heaven," as Sheri Dew puts it, is when we ask in faith and are willing to work to earn the answers. The mysteries of the kingdom of God cannot be opened if you don't already have a foundation of its basic principles. Become familiar with the Church's Gospel Topics Essays, search the scriptures, scour lds.org, and speak with family, friends, or new acquaintances who understand your experience.

As Sheri Dew explains in her book Worth the Wrestle:

"Elder Neal A. Maxwell said it this way: 'We should not assume . . . that just because something is unexplainable by us it is unexplainable.' The Lord has promised to open the 'eyes of our understandings' and to 'reveal all mysteries' (D&C 76:19, 7). But He isn’t likely to do either of these unless we seek to know. He will not force us to progress.
"No wonder the Lord wants us to ask every probing question we can muster. . . .
"The Lord needs men and women who know how to get answers. Men and women who aren’t easily deceived and whose testimonies aren’t shaken by someone with carefully crafted talking points. Men and women whose faith isn’t threatened when they don’t have all the answers and can’t always effectively respond to alternate points of view. Men and women who have had witness after witness that Jesus is the Christ and that His gospel has been restored—so that when circumstances confuse or discourage them, they turn toward the Savior rather than away from Him. And men and women who are secure enough in their own testimonies that they can help others who are struggling to find their way. He needs men and women who are willing to engage in the wrestle."

5. Motherhood is about so much more than having children.

“That was the choice Eve made. It’s one we all must make." I heard these words in a seminar filled with powerful women in the Church who served as international business leaders; general Relief Society, Primary, and Young Women presidents; mothers; and humanitarians. They were talking about the sacrifices they made to raise families.

Eve has long been a role model of mine. She was not only a “noble and great one” of our Heavenly Father and Mother’s children, she was crowned with glory, a leader and shaper. It was she who had the strength, courage, and fortitude to choose a life of mortality and a life of perpetual creation and unlimited potential and power.

But Eve had to give up Eden to become the “Mother of all living” and gain an eternal family. But Eve didn't accomplish that merely through bearing children. Eve was a creator, a provider, a master teacher, an innovator, a guardian, and so much more. Motherhood isn't measured by our ability to have children—it is measured in how we sacrifice, uplift, and create better lives and worlds for others, as our Savior did. This vision is embodied in the role of our Heavenly Mother—a goddess of glory, power, divinity, light, and multifaceted roles who loves us unconditionally. She is a Shaper, Mover, Creator, Lover, Mentor, Mother, and so much more—and so are we.

► You'll also like: 14 Myths and Truths We Know About Our Heavenly Mother

None of us will have the families we envisioned. Whether we're infertile, single, sisters, aunts, friends, stepmoms, adoptive moms, single moms, etc., motherhood will not turn out how we anticipated, which is why we need to expand our view and realize, as Sheri Dew teaches:

"Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.
"President Gordon B. Hinckley stated that 'God planted within women something divine.' That something is the gift and the gifts of motherhood. Elder Matthew Cowley taught that 'men have to have something given to them [in mortality] to make them saviors of men, but not mothers, not women. [They] are born with an inherent right, an inherent authority, to be the saviors of human souls . . . and the regenerating force in the lives of God’s children.'
"Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave women an unparalleled role in helping His children keep their second estate."

6. Your body should be your best friend. Treat it that way.

Your body is yours, and it will be for the rest of your life and through eternity. I know comparisons are tempting, I know media is bombarding, and I know seeking perfection is tantalizing. But don't. Just don't.

I wish I could say you reach a magical age when you wake up and feel comfortable in your own body and love yourself unconditionally. But that doesn't happen—not unless you work for it.

If you want to feel comfortable in your own body, you need to recognize it as your best friend. Develop an honest and true relationship. Would you constantly criticize and tear down your best friend? Would you starve, cut, manipulate, and distort your best friend, merely to make yourself feel better? Then stop acting this way toward your body. Like any relationship, you need to find ways to listen to your body. Eat and rest and exercise and sleep when your body tells you what it needs. Consciously compliment your body each day, be grateful for all it allows you to do, and own your unique beauty.

Remember the glorious things your body does for you. Every moment your heart beats, your lungs fill with air, and your body is filled with sensation that allows you to accomplish everything you now have or will yet do in this life. Your body brings you closer to our Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, allowing you to better understand what They know and experience through their immortal, divine bodies. Because of your body, you can obtain celestial glory and power, create life, and one day create worlds. That is a power Satan will never possess, and because of that, he will do all in his power to distort your relationship with your body and create resentment and loathing for this most glorious gift of God. Don't let him. Even though we may be imperfect now, our bodies are divine. Love yours and let it teach you about love, connection, and the glorious possibilities of eternity.

Find number 7 on the next page

Do your teens have questions? Most do! In Q&A they’ll find the meaningful, relatable answers for many of their most pressing questions, all in one book! Drawing from the most popular questions of Why?, How?, and The Big Picture—and adding some timely new questions about current issues—John Hilton III and Tony Sweat help youth understand the doctrinal “whys” that reinforce the teachings found in For the Strength of Youth. Then they share the “hows” and “whats” to help youth live the gospel in today’s world. With an eye-catching graphic style, this new paperback format is fun and engaging for today’s LDS teens.

7. Women are powerful leaders in the Church and exercise priesthood power and authority.

President Russell M. Nelson pleads:

"My dear sisters, whatever your calling, whatever your circumstances, we need your impressions, your insights, and your inspiration. We need you to speak up and speak out in ward and stake councils. We need each married sister to speak as 'a contributing and full partner' as you unite with your husband in governing your family. Married or single, you sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have received as gifts from God. . . .We know that the culminating act of all creation was the creation of woman! We need your strength!"

With the largest female organization in the world, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a Church brimming with women of power, purpose, and knowledge. From women petitioning for the right to vote and serving as doctors, Church leaders, and government officials in the early days of the Church to our modern women today, Mormon women have always shaped the Church and the world.

While the Bible and Book of Mormon were written during a period of time when much of history was recorded for men and about men, we can still find the influence and stories of faithful women throughout. Eve, Miriam, Ruth, Ether, the woman at the well, Mary, Anna, Sariah, Abish, etc. Read their stories. Learn from them. And today, we have access to nearly 200-years of counsel from female Church leaders since the reorganization of the Church, which you can find in Church magazines, manuals, and in groundbreaking works like At the Pulpit.

From the beginning of the human race, with our first parents, Adam and Eve, women have always played an essential role in Christ's Church. We even exercise priesthood power. As Elder Dallin H. Oaks explains:

"We are not accustomed to speaking of women having the authority of the priesthood in their Church callings, but what other authority can it be? When a woman . . . is set apart to preach the gospel as a full-time missionary, she is given priesthood authority to perform a priesthood function. The same is true when a woman is set apart to function as an officer or teacher in a Church organization under the direction of one who holds the keys of the priesthood. Whoever functions in an office or calling received from one who holds priesthood keys exercises priesthood authority in performing her or his assigned duties."

In fact, Elder and Sister Renlund discussed four specific ways women exercise priesthood authority: 1) In Church callings, 2) through covenants, 3) by inviting the blessings of heaven through faith, 4) and through the sealing power and exaltation.

President Nelson continues:

"We need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith and who are courageous defenders of morality and families in a sin-sick world. We need women who are devoted to shepherding God’s children along the covenant path toward exaltation; women who know how to receive personal revelation, who understand the power and peace of the temple endowment; women who know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen children and families; women who teach fearlessly. . . . We need women who have the courage and vision of our Mother Eve."

8. Virtue and modesty mean so much more than we often give them credit for.

Modesty has never been about what you wear—it is a way of life, a meekness, and humility embodied in the life of the Savior of the world. Modesty is our willingness and desire to become true disciples of Jesus Christ, which is reflected in our words, actions, and yes, even our appearance. Modesty is a way for men and women to access the powers of heaven and demonstrate to our Heavenly Father we are ready and willing to receive the higher blessings He has in store for us.

To limit modesty to clothing choice cheapens this eternal principle, and to assume what you wear or how you act puts thoughts into another's mind objectifies you, demoralizes men, and ignores the gift of agency—the very gift all of us fought to defend in our premortal life.

Often we use the word virtue almost interchangeably with the word chastity. While virtue definitely encompasses purity and chastity, we cheapen virtue by saying it’s synonymous with those things. Being virtuous means we try to uphold all virtues, like honesty, morality, integrity, humility, charity, accountability, civility, patience, compassion, cleanliness, dignity, faith, generosity, forgiveness, gratitude, repentance, self-reliance, etc.

Frequently in the scriptures when Christ performs a miracle, the phrase “virtue went out of him” accompanies this event. It’s through the power of virtue Christ healed the woman with an “issue of blood” or the blind man. In Doctrine and Covenants, virtue appears frequently in connection with the priesthood (i.e. by virtue of the priesthood”).

A number of other words could have been used in these verses, but virtue is so fitting because it demonstrates that it is through virtue men and women exercise the priesthood and the full power of their covenants. Virtue itself is a power, the power of our Savior, Jesus Christ, whose own spotless life allowed Him to command the earth and the heavens.

9. We can't let other people determine our testimonies.

If our Church was not full of imperfect people—who will incidentally insult you, embarrass you, hurt you, say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing—then you wouldn't have a place in this Church. It's as simple as that. We are all flawed—and we are all at times blind to our flaws.

A transformation in my testimony came on the day when I realized just how big of a hypocrite I was. I hate it when other people judge unfairly, reach out with criticism instead of love, and speak harshly or quickly, without understanding the full circumstances. This tendency led me to begin judging those I saw as judgmental in my ward, yet I was not willing to give them the courtesy of listening to them, navigating our differences, and recognizing they are just as much a product of their upbringing, experiences, and environment as I am.

That does not mean we turn a blind eye to prejudice, sexism, racism, or gossip in the Church. On the contrary, by loving and listening to those we disagree with, we are more able to understand why they believe the way they do and how to better communicate with them so they will listen, not turn away. To do this, you cannot be condescending or reach out with any intention except pure, untainted love, recognizing with humility your own fallibility. When you acknowledge your own limitations and blind spots, you can better learn and love, realizing that those who may say harmful things are just as much a child of God, your brother or sister, as those they may be victimizing.

As Isaac Thomas, the first black man sealed in the Salt Lake temple, explains, "The Church is true, not necessarily all its members. People will fail you, the gospel will not. . . . Don't let anyone else cheat you out of your own exaltation."

Millenials are one of the most accepting, open-minded, and empathetic generations to date, and that comes in large part because we are exposed to diverse people and experiences. As the Church continues to expand and diversify, we will need your insights and knowledge more than ever. But we will also need your love, compassion, and empathy as we learn how to change and become more Christlike.

Extending empathy also includes allowing our Church leaders to be human, without holding them up to impossible standards. As Adam S. Miller explains:

"While it is scary to think that God works through weak, partial, and limited mortals like us, the only thing scarier would be thinking that he doesn’t. . . . It’s a false dilemma to claim that either God works through practically flawless people or God doesn’t work at all. The gospel isn’t a celebration of God’s power to work with flawless people. The gospel is a celebration of God’s willingness to work today, in our world, in our lives, with people who clearly aren’t. To demand that church leaders, past and present, show us only a mask of angelic pseudo-perfection is to deny the gospel’s most basic claim: that God’s grace works through our weakness. We need prophets, not idols. Our prophets and leaders will not turn out to be who you want them to be. They are not, in fact, even what God might want them to be. But they are real and God really can, nonetheless, work through their imperfections to extend his perfect love."

Find number 10 on the next page

This powerful book is composed as a series of letters. The letters are meant for a young Mormon who is familiar with Mormon life but green in his or her faith. The author, philosophy professor Adam S. Miller, imagined himself writing these letters to his own children. In doing so, he struggled to say his own piece about what it means to be—as a Mormon—free, ambitious, repentant, faithful, informed, prayerful, selfless, hungry, chaste, and sealed.

10. You cannot be replaced in the Church.

The most miserable Church calling I've had in my life came shortly after I graduated high school and was called as a counselor in the Relief Society. I read and studied all I could about my role in the Relief Society. I listened to talks. I followed my Church leaders' counsel. I tried to tone down my outspoken contrariness and keep disagreements to myself. And I did everything I felt everyone else expected me to do. But instead of feeling the Spirit, I only felt overwhelmed, miserable, and uncomfortably out of place. Why wasn't Heavenly Father helping me? Why was I drowning? What was I doing wrong?

While struggling with this question one day, a dose of the Spirit smacked me upside the head. I had been thinking of the women leaders of the Church I had seen in general conference and in my home ward growing up, wondering how I could become more like them. That's when I felt seven words sear into my mind: I didn't call them. I called you.

I was surprised, stunned, and still a little confused. That wasn't the answer to the questions I had been asking. I had asked the Lord to teach me how I could change my attitude, change my understanding, and change what I was doing. But suddenly, I realized, He didn't want all that.

So, with the direction of the Lord, I began doing things my way. I began prioritizing, speaking up, cutting back, getting balance, and moving ahead with new excitement on those things I felt mattered.

As time went on, I didn't know if I was making any difference in my calling, but I knew I was happy. Then, one day, my Relief Society president pulled me aside. This 26-year-old smart, capable woman told me, a teenager, something that completely surprised me. "I look up to you so much. You helped save me." I guess I hadn't been the only person overwhelmed by my calling. 

My point is, no matter how much you feel like you don't fit in or your opinions are contrary to everyone else's, you are in this Church for a reason. We need your voice. We need your perspective. We need your diversity. We need your struggles. We need your love. Whether you are gay, straight, black, white, a life-long member, a convert, etc., we need you. "I recognize that sometimes it may be difficult for you to see where you fit in the Lord’s Church, but you do," President M. Russell Ballard shares.

As Elder D. Todd Christofferson recognized on Facebook:

"When people wonder 'Is there a place for me in the church?' there may be any number of things behind that. . . .
"Each of us, whenever the feeling of isolation may come upon us, needs to stop and think, 'Jesus Christ died for me. Jesus Christ thought me worthy of His blood. And He loves me, He has hopes for me, and He can make a difference in my life. His grace can transform me. And maybe this person sitting next to me, ignoring me or even wanting to move away, maybe he or she doesn't. But that doesn't change the reality of what Christ feels toward me and the possibilities I have in Christ.'
"It breaks my heart if someone comes and is very vulnerable and says, 'I want to try it, I want to be here,' and then gets a cold shoulder or a lack of interest. And that's tragic. We have to be better than that."

In a later post, he added:

"So we, on the one hand, have got to be better as a people at receiving and helping and walking together with everybody. And on the other hand, every individual needs to be determined that they're going to have a place in the kingdom of God, they're going to have a place in the body of Christ."

11. Happiness takes work.

Finding happiness and optimism in life is a fluctuating battle—but it wouldn't be as enjoyable otherwise. Part of the adventure of life is that we are always planning ahead, always tested in new ways, always thrown off kilter, always wondering, and always growing. So don't think you will be happy someday once you're in college or once you endure this trial or once you discover yourself. You are always discovering yourself, college has its own challenges, and once you endure one trial, another will come and smack you upside the head. Instead of fighting difficulties, embrace them. Open yourself up to emotion and feel deeply and fully while you are living on this earth.

Now, I am not blind to the fact that brutal, heart-wrenching, and horrible things happen to people in life—murder, sexual abuse, loss, mental illness, natural disasters, poverty, etc. It is especially in those moments when you need to remember that happiness requires work and it is worth working for.

Actively find reasons to be grateful, dwell on the light instead of the darkness in your life, consciously speak positively, and don't be too hard on yourself. Have patience. Give yourself time. And realize you are not alone. Our Savior is always there for you, and there are so many resources available for you—from friends to counselors, professionals to Church leaders, doctors to family, psychologists to the scriptures. Surround yourself with light, love, and optimism as much as possible, and choose to be happy every day.

► You'll also like: 10 Proven Strategies for a More Joyful Life


"This is your world. The future is in your hands. The outcome is up to you." With those simple words, President Thomas S. Monson urges a generation of young adult members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to find the best within themselves. He is joined in this exciting book by other apostles and prophets to provide needed counsel.

With chapters such as "Recognizing Spiritual Promptings," "Applying the Atonement," "Uncovering Your Life's Work," "When Blessings Are Delayed," and many more, the Brethren address issues that are of particular interest and concern to young adults, though readers have found the counsel applicable to people of all ages. These bite-sized excerpts are perfect for pondering, sharing, and discussing.


You can be happy—solidly, genuinely happy—no matter what's going on around you, no matter what happens to you, no matter what storm comes along to batter and bruise you.

Face it: it's not always easy to feel happy. With all of the worries and trials of day-to-day life, the cares of the world can seem overwhelming. But as popular speaker and author Hank Smith demonstrates, no matter your circumstances, you can be happy—the kind of happy that illuminates you from the inside out, a joy that does not depend on what happens to you, but what you do with what happens. With his characteristic humor, Hank offers readers a fresh perspective on finding joy in the journey with a collection of tools and strategies designed to inspire genuine happiness.

Lead image from Getty Images
45024.jpg
45021.jpg
45025.jpg
45022.jpg
45023.jpg

Share
Stay in the loop!
Enter your email to receive updates on our LDS Living content