A woman’s art of comparison is unlike any other in this world and certainly far from that of the world to come. We are so good at comparing ourselves to others that we completely miss the mark in recognizing our individual worth. In so doing, we leave ourselves feeling incompetent and discouraged.
“Sister Radcliffe’s cookies are always moist and chewy, and mine are crispy and dry.”
“Sister Wilson finds a way to work part-time and keep her family running, and I can barely get dinner on the table every night after helping the kids with homework.”
“Sister Britton has beautiful, curly hair, and mine is flat.”
“Sister Stephens gives wonderful lessons, and I barely have the courage to bear my testimony on fast Sunday.
"The Lord doesn't expect us to work harder than we are able. He doesn't (nor should we) compare our efforts to those of others. Our Heavenly Father asks only that we do the best we can—that we work according to our full capacity, however great or small that they may be." (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Two Principles for Any Economy," Ensign, November 2009)
The list goes on and on, doesn’t it? While we are encouraged to find the good in others, we should not weigh it against our personal weaknesses or even differing interests.
Not long after moving into our first home, I decided to paint my living and dining rooms. Knowing this was definitely not something I should undertake without supervision, I called a woman in my ward who was well-known for her decorating skills. We talked about colors, I told her what I had planned, and then I solicited her advice. She had wonderful ideas and gave me tips as to how to paint and decorate the entire first floor. It was a great benefit to have her there, and I felt much more confident going forward with my plans.
Toward the end of the conversation, I asked her about a book my daughter had found at the library that appeared to have been written by her. She modestly admitted, “Yeah, I wrote a series of children’s books when my kids were little.” I was impressed that this mother of six had worked as an interior designer and was a published author. Can you sense the bitterness building inside of me? Already feeling meek in her presence, I was hit with this whammy. She explained that when her young son struggled with delayed speech, she put together a few homemade books to help him learn about citizenship and manners then showed them to her bishop and a friend in the ward. They were so impressed that they encouraged her to write more and publish them.
“So,” she said nonchalantly, “I ended up with a series of 15 children’s books.”
Was she serious? Right then and there I wanted to sink into the floor and hide. Let’s get this straight—she earned her master’s degree; wrote and published a series of children’s books; and worked as a home decorating consultant, all while raising six children, one of whom had learning challenges. Add to that she also plays guitar, composes music, makes jewelry, and is now finishing a second series of books. It was enough to make me throw the towel in and surrender to my shortcomings.
After she left, I felt completely miserable and insufficient. I wondered how I could ever accomplish half of what she had done. After I sat there and wallowed in despair for a while, I had a great realization—I don’t want to write children’s books. I began to chuckle. There I was comparing our accomplishments when, in fact, I had no desire to do those things in the first place. Does this sound familiar? We often fool ourselves into believing we are less valuable because someone else has attained something we haven’t when we weren’t aspiring to the same goal in the first place. We will always fall short when evaluating our lives by someone else’s standards, which is why it is time to stop comparing and start living.
Don’t Keep Score
So what about those times we fall short of our own standards? As women, and especially as mothers, we see what we lack because we perceive what others are doing (and, if you’re like me, because our children constantly tell us what we should be doing better). One woman’s daughters always have fancy hairdos. Another woman is always taking her kids to fun places and conjuring up new adventures. Yet another can whip up a healthy meal in a moment’s notice, complete with pureed spinach or beets hidden discreetly inside delicious brownies or pancakes. Still another is capable of turning a tacky thrift-store find into a beautiful, modest prom dress. It’s easy to become discouraged when we think of everything we are not, when we take count at the end of the day we see everything we didn’t do: Today I didn’t clean the house. Today I didn’t read my scriptures as long as I wanted. Today I was too high-strung and impatient while getting the kids to school. Today I wasn’t able to give service when someone needed my help. Today my kids ate cookie dough for lunch.
All that we lack is clearly visible to us, so it’s important to take note of those things we did right: Today I played with my kids, and we made cookies for the PTA event. Today I had everyone to school on time. Today, in my five minutes of scripture study, I read material for this week’s Sunday School lesson. Today I turned an activity into a gospel discussion and built my children’s testimonies. Today I kept a commitment to one of my goals even though I wanted to do something else. Today I smiled at everyone at the grocery store.
So many times the things we desire are conflicting. We cannot play with our kids all morning and have a clean house. We cannot always be on time and always be patient getting everyone out the door. We cannot render all the service that is asked of us and maintain our obligations to family, school, church, and ourselves. We cannot always be a fun mom and a healthy mom. It is impossible to be everything to everyone all the time, and we will drive ourselves mad trying to play all of the roles simultaneously. Each day it is our job to look at the choices before us and decide, “What would be best for my family and me today? How can I be my best self today?” The house must eventually be tidied, so play must take a rest. There are other times when we should turn a blind eye to the cushions on the floor, the blankets over the table, the dirty dishes all over the kitchen, and the toys in the living room and appreciate that we have a castle, a fort, a restaurant, and a toy store all under our very own roof.
Taking daily stock of shortcomings is easy because none of us is perfect, but this isn’t the way Heavenly Father views our life, so we shouldn’t either. The world will supply plenty of critics, so let’s not add one more. Instead of keeping a daily tally of what you did or did not do, try to evaluate your days by one standard: “Did I do my best?”
Ceasing to judge ourselves critically allows us to be everything we want to be, even if those things are opposites—patient and on time, scheduled and spontaneous, strict and lenient. Quite simply, we can’t be everything we want all of the time, but we can be everything we want on a regular basis. Making this switch in thinking relieves the burden of perfection while encouraging us to strive for our personal best.
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