Ask a Latter-day Saint Therapist: Anxiety Keeps My Spouse from Enjoying the Gospel

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Editor's Note: The views, information, or opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author. Readers should consider each unique situation. This content is not meant to be a substitute for individual, professional advice.

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Q: My wife struggles with anxiety, depression, and perfectionism. She states that the Church is too stressful, overwhelming, and demanding on her. She walks away from general conference and Church meetings feeling beat up. She feels overwhelmed and says that her mental and physical capacity is too limited to do everything that's taught and asked of her. Why try if she knows she can't do everything she is told to do? She thinks she shouldn't share the gospel because it will add too much stress to other peoples’ lives. It brings her stress instead of peace. What can I do to help her gain a healthy perspective of the gospel and all it demands?

A: Thank you so much for trusting me with this. Perfectionism, depression, and anxiety are heavy weights to bear for so many people, as well as for the people who love them. It is important to recognize that there is a difference, as I’m sure you know, between feeling depressed and suffering from clinical depression. There is a difference between feeling anxious and suffering from anxiety.

Every emotional disorder or mental health struggle is a magnified, disabling version of thoughts and feelings that occur naturally to everyone. As President Boyd K. Packer taught, “it was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. Teach our members that if they have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 135–40; or Ensign, May 1978, 91–93).

But what happens when a few miserable days become months and years and even decades? There are times when feeling sad or stressed is the norm, not the exception.

Sister Reyna I. Aburto, in a marvelous talk that deserves more attention, proclaimed that “it is normal to feel sad or worried once in a while. Sadness and anxiety are natural human emotions. However, if we are constantly sad and if our pain blocks our ability to feel the love of our Heavenly Father and His Son and the influence of the Holy Ghost, then we may be suffering from depression, anxiety, or another emotional condition . . . Like any part of the body, the brain is subject to illnesses, trauma, and chemical imbalances. When our minds are suffering, it is appropriate to seek help from God, from those around us, and from medical and mental health professionals” (“Thru Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide with Me,” October 2019 general conference).

I will share principles and guidance in this article, but I must echo Sister Aburto’s counsel that, if she doesn’t have it already, your wife could likely use the support of a trained professional. Regular sadness and stress can be handled solo or with support from loved ones, but clinical depression and anxiety prevent the struggler from fully engaging with life, enjoying their relationships, and accomplishing their goals. That sort of thing requires the help of an expert, especially because every case is so unique that general principles may not apply to everyone.

That said, if she’s not willing to go or if you’d like her to be more open to your perspective, start with empathy. Try to put yourself in her shoes. While your experiences may be like comparing apples and oranges, likely you can recall a time when you felt overwhelmed, inadequate, or a failure. Really marinate in what that feels like.

Don’t focus on what you’d do or say in her position. Focus on what you’d feel. Then communicate that to her. “If it were me, I’d feel like it’s all too much and I’m spread too thin. Like my efforts aren’t good enough for anybody, even Heavenly Father. Like it’s not even worth it to try. Is that what it’s like for you?” Then listen. Maybe she feels the same. Maybe she doesn’t, or she does, but there are more layers to it.

The beautiful thing about feelings is that they just are. They’re not right or wrong. Thoughts can be right or wrong. Actions can be right or wrong. But feelings simply exist; our agency lies in how we respond to them. And since feelings can’t be wrong, they don’t need correcting. They just need understanding and empathy.

To be clear, feelings are emotions. They’re not thoughts. Some people mix up the two. Happy, sad, scared, embarrassed, hurt, angry, joyful, amused… these are feelings. Insights and interpretations are not feelings, even if people express them as such. The statement “I feel like you’re not listening to me” is actually not an expression of a feeling, it’s an expression of an observation.

The reason I bring this up is that feelings, actual feelings or emotions, are never wrong and should not be corrected. Perspectives, beliefs, and interpretations may be incorrect and need correcting, but only after the actual emotion has been validated. “You say you’re hurt and disappointed? I can see that. That makes total sense to me.”

If you tell your wife how wonderful she is, or that God loves her how she is, or that she is good enough, the words may bounce off of her like bullets off of Superman because you’re trying to correct without understanding, empathizing, and validating what she’s feeling. Many people have to feel safe, loved, respected, and understood before they’re able to accept feedback, nurturing, or new perspectives.

It’s okay for her to feel overwhelmed by all that is asked by God in the gospel. It may help her to note that nobody accomplishes everything they wish to do. Nobody achieves perfection in this life. And God doesn’t expect us to.

I once felt much like your wife. Knowing from the scriptures that Christ would save us from our sins but not in our sins and that no unclean thing can inherit the kingdom of God (see Alma 11:37), I was caught in a mental trap, believing that only when I was free from sins (of commission and omission) and essentially perfect could I approach God and have my past washed clean through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I saw God as a harsh, disapproving parent whose love and approval could be earned, whose Son suffered for the sins only of those who had fully repented. I saw the work as mine to do. I lived in terror of imperfection, falling short, and being cut off from the presence of God.

It was then that I read something from Elder Bruce R. McConkie that filled me with peace and hope, utterly shifting my paradigm:

“Everyone in the Church who is on the straight and narrow path, who is striving and struggling and desiring to do what is right, though is far from perfect in this life; if he passes out of this life while he's on the straight and narrow, he's going to go on to eternal reward in his Father's kingdom. We don't need to get a complex or get a feeling that you have to be perfect to be saved. You don't. There's only been one perfect person, and that's the Lord Jesus, but in order to be saved in the Kingdom of God and in order to pass the test of mortality, what you have to do is get on the straight and narrow path—thus charting a course leading to eternal life—and then, being on that path, pass out of this life in full fellowship. I'm not saying that you don't have to keep the commandments. I'm saying you don't have to be perfect to be saved. If you did, no one would be saved. The way it operates is this: You get on that path that's named the "straight and narrow." You do it by entering at the gate of repentance and baptism. The straight and narrow path leads from the gate of repentance and baptism, a very great distance, to a reward that is called eternal life.

“If you're on that path and pressing forward, and you die, you'll never get off the path. There is no such thing as falling off the straight and narrow path in the life to come, and the reason is that this life is the time that is given to men to prepare for eternity. Now is the time and the day of your salvation, so if you're working zealously in this life—though you haven't fully overcome the world and you haven't done all you hoped you might do—you're still going to be saved.… You don't have to live a life that's truer than true.… What you have to do is stay in the mainstream of the Church and live as upright and decent people live in the Church—keeping the commandments, paying your tithing, serving in the organizations of the Church, loving the Lord, staying on the straight and narrow path. If you’re on that path when death comes—because this is the time and the day appointed, this the probationary estate—you'll never fall from it” (“The Probationary Test of Mortality,” address delivered at Institute of Religion, SLC, Utah, 10 January 1982)”

I didn’t have to be perfect to be exalted; I merely had to chart the course towards perfection and stay on it, knowing that it will take eons to achieve. God wasn’t a harsh parent trying to keep me out of the celestial kingdom. He is a loving one doing everything he can to help me return, even giving his own Son for me. I didn’t have to wait for perfection to access the Atonement of Jesus Christ, rather it was that same Atonement that would allow me to ultimately achieve perfection. God was already on my side. He always had been. The Spirit bore witness to my soul that this was a true principle and, viewing the Gospel and the church through this lens, I started to see how many other doctrines testified of and supported it.

Once you’ve heard your wife, empathizing and validating what she’s feeling, gently share that quote with her. Encourage her to embrace imperfection, that “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23). Remind her of what President Lorenzo Snow taught: “Do not expect to become perfect at once. If you do, you will be disappointed. Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today.” Together rely on the Savior, who helps us to love ourselves now, working on our imperfections while being happy with the good we are able to accomplish. It is only through him that we can be our best selves, find strength to do what he asks, and experience the gospel as a celebration and joy instead of a burden.

God bless you. I hope this helps.

For further readings on this subject, I recommend:

Becoming Perfect Before the Lord: A Little Better Day by Day.” Chapter Six, Teachings of the Presidents of the Church, Lorenzo Snow. 

Songs Sung and Unsung,” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2017 general conference.

Through Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide With Me.” Sister Reyna I Aburto, October 2019 general conference.

Broken Things to Mend,” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2006 general conference.

How God’s Love Can Help You to Love Yourself,” Jonathan Decker, Your Family Expert.

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