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The Bednars' Powerful Marriage Advice: You Do Not Find a Good Marriage, You Create It

"I often emphasize the truth that you do not simply 'find' the marriage you hope to have. Rather, you create it," Elder David A. Bednar recently posted on Instagram. He continues:

"If you believe you can find a 'perfect companion,' you will spend a lot of time searching for a person who does not exist. You should strive to become your best self and to strengthen your faith in and devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ. Then you will more likely attract an eternal companion who will honor covenants, keep the commandments, and love the Lord.

"When you and your spouse remain steadfast on the covenant path, you will have heavenly help to create the marriage you hope to have.

"Part of a happy marriage is benefitting from the differences between men and women—to receive strength through and be blessed by differences. We might think we want our spouse to have the same attitudes and qualities that we do, but differences actually strengthen our marriages. When we understand our divine roles, traits, and distinctive capacities as men and women and build on those, we bring strength to our marriage."

 




 

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I often emphasize the truth that you do not simply “find” the marriage you hope to have. Rather, you create it. . If you believe you can find a “perfect companion,” you will spend a lot of time searching for a person who does not exist. You should strive to become your best self and to strengthen your faith in and devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ. Then you will more likely attract an eternal companion who will honor covenants, keep the commandments, and love the Lord. . When you and your spouse remain steadfast on the covenant path, you will have heavenly help to create the marriage you hope to have. . Part of a happy marriage is benefitting from the differences between men and women—to receive strength through and be blessed by differences. We might think we want our spouse to have the same attitudes and qualities that we do, but differences actually strengthen our marriages. When we understand our divine roles, traits, and distinctive capacities as men and women and build on those, we bring strength to our marriage.

A post shared by  David A. Bednar (@davidabednar) on

Elder Bednar shared a similar message on Instagram in October 2013, counseling young single adults, "To any young adults contemplating dating and marriage, please remember: you do not find the perfect partner or the perfect marriage you hope to have; you create it. As an agent, blessed with moral agency, you create the marriage, the family, and the happiness you hope to have, line upon line, precept upon precept, pressing forward along the covenant pathway."

In that same post, he shared:

"As I think about our marriage, I am grateful that Susan and I complement each other in important ways. She understands things differently than I do. We may not fully agree about an idea or decision. But at the end of the day, we are grateful for our divinely designed differences and perspectives because they help us to learn from each other."

 




 

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As I think about our marriage, I am grateful that Susan and I complement each other in important ways. She understands things differently than I do. We may not fully agree about an idea or decision. But at the end of the day, we are grateful for our divinely designed differences and perspectives because they help us to learn from each other. . To any young adults contemplating dating and marriage, please remember: you do not find the perfect partner or the perfect marriage you hope to have; you create it. As an agent, blessed with moral agency, you create the marriage, the family, and the happiness you hope to have, line upon line, precept upon precept, pressing forward along the covenant pathway.

A post shared by  David A. Bednar (@davidabednar) on

So what is Elder and Sister Bednar's secret when it comes to creating a strong marriage? During a 2016 date night hosted at BYU-I, Elder Bednar shared how he and his wife have made a point of talking about their lives and, most importantly, their differences. In addition, they've put in the work that builds solid communication and relationships.

“There is no perfect mate, there is no soulmate,” Elder Bednar said. “Get to work and quit worrying about it.”

Sister Bednar added, citing President Hinckley, “You make the comfort and the well-being of your spouse your highest priority."

But, through it all, Elder Bednar counseled Church members to “Have some fun. You’ve got to be able to giggle. You’ve got to be able to laugh. You’ve got to be able to laugh at yourself. You’ve got to be able to laugh at some of the stupid things that you do, and you learn from some of the stupid things that you do. This is serious business, but don’t be so serious that it’s just all business. Look unto the Savior 'in every thought; doubt not, fear not.' Don’t spend an inordinate amount of your time stressing over things you cannot control. Do your best. Be loving and forgiving. Laugh and love, and pray for the assistance of the Holy Ghost, and I promise that you will receive inspiration to know how to create the happy marriage and home you hope to find.”

Lead image from Instagram

Get more inspiring insights from Elder Bednar in his moving book One by One.

In this book, Elder David A. Bednar offers a compelling look at a pattern the Lord uses to bless His people: He works with us on an individual basis, one by one. Demonstrating that pattern as it occurs throughout the scriptures, in the lives of many Church leaders, and in his own ministry, Elder Bednar invites us to open our hearts to the Lord's love. He also teaches that by ministering as the Savior does, one by one, we can be more powerful instruments in His hands to accomplish His purposes.

From a "guided tour" through scriptural illustration to an array of touching personal accounts, this important new book offers hope and guidance for anyone who has ever wondered, "Do I matter to the Lord?"

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