The following is written by Elaine Bradley, drummer for the Neon Trees.
I’m married to a good guy. I’ll lead with that. But my expectations made it hard for him to be honest with me about his true reactions to and feelings about porn[ography].
I remember having a conversation before we got married about his experiences with porn[ography] up until that point. He definitely rounded down, and I definitely was happy to hear him do it.
The first time I realized I didn’t understand him was when we took our honeymoon for 5 days in Vegas. Billboards of busty ladies everywhere. I would look more closely, analyze, and vocalize my confusion that anyone could be turned on by THAT. I would talk about how the Thunder Down Under billboards did nothing for me. Yuck. Meanwhile, Sebastian averted his eyes and kept mostly quiet.
Little did I know that I had created a very unsafe space for him to talk candidly with me about porn[ography], and the conflict it caused him. I eventually realized this through several conversations over the course of several years.
Here’s what I could have done differently: