Latter-day Saint Life

4 Parenting Secrets That Will Improve Your Relationship with Your Kids

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The following is excerpted from 10 Secrets Wise Parents Knowwritten by researchers and authors Brent L. Top and Bruce A. Chadwick and is based on a major, 10-year study they conducted with more than 5,000 LDS teens and an additional 1,000 young adults. Here are a few parenting principles they found that surfaced again and again in the happiest families.

As parents, we all have felt a commingling of emotions when a newborn child is placed in our arms for the first time. We feel joy and excitement. Our highest hopes and aspirations are reflected in the eyes of that beautiful baby. But anxious emotions flood over us as well. The sense of responsibility can be overwhelming, and we ask ourselves, “What do we do now?” . . .

As the wise author of the book of Proverbs declared, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

[Here are four secrets wise parents know that will help you build a stronger family.]

1. Lead children to a personal relationship with God.

A wise man once observed, “Our children are born through us, not to us.” Although we may possess an eternal relationship with them—a sealing link that binds us together—our children are not our possessions. They were our Heavenly Father’s children long before they were ours. . . .

As parents, we must be . . . preparers of the way for our children to come to know the Master themselves. We can teach, love, nurture, strengthen, serve, and exemplify, but ultimately only the Savior can transform, forgive, secure, and save. . . .

[In the vision of the tree of life, it is] important for parents to note what Lehi didn’t do, as well as what he did do. Any loving parent can relate to Lehi’s desire that his family also partake of the love of Christ, which had infused his soul with unspeakable joy. Virtually every father would fuse desire with deeds, even extraordinary efforts, to ensure that his children partake of the fruit. Lehi also did all he could. However, he understood that there are some things parents cannot do.

We see Lehi exhorting his children “with all the feeling of a tender parent” (1 Nephi 8:37). What we don’t see, however, is Lehi loading bushel baskets full of the fruit of the tree and carting them back to feed his family. We don’t see him making applesauce from the fruit and mixing it with meals for Laman and Lemuel because they were unwilling to partake of the fruit themselves. We don’t see Lehi force-feeding his children or providing some special shortcut through the mists of darkness to the tree. Each must come to the tree on his own. . . .

Lehi couldn’t partake of the fruit for Laman and Lemuel. They had to do it for themselves. There is no other way to enjoy the fruits of the love of God. . . . We cannot obtain a personal testimony of the gospel or develop a personal relationship with God for our children, but there are certain things we can do that will help them build their own foundation.

Distinguish between Means and Ends

Many youth, however, exhibit high levels of professed belief and may even regularly attend Church meetings and activities, yet they fail to live the standards or abide by the values espoused by the Church. There seems to be a major disconnect. Why? Perhaps the answer lies in the tendency for all of us to focus more on external behavior—such as attendance—than on internal conversion, which is difficult to observe and measure. In a way this can create a disconnect for parents as well if they are not careful. . . . All is not necessarily well with our children just because they attend seminary, never miss a sacrament meeting, obtain their Young Men and Young Women achievement awards, and go to Especially for Youth. All of these things can be important helps along the way, but they aren’t the end of the road.

The Importance of Personal Prayer and Scripture Study

If we were to identify one thing as the single most important factor in helping our children internalize gospel principles, gain a testimony, and develop spiritual strength to resist temptation, it would undoubtedly be personal prayer. It is the catalyst for the development of all other spiritual traits and strengths. . . .

We want our children to be diligent in saying their prayers, but we may not explicitly give that message to them. Sometimes it takes so much effort to hold family prayer that we may figuratively (or sometimes literally) breathe a sigh of relief and think, “We did it!” Yes, we had family prayer, but we are not done praying, and neither are our children. . . .We need to teach by personal example—saying our own prayers—and by explicit counsel that personal prayer is one of the most important protections against temptation. Daily personal prayer combined with regular family prayer becomes doubly powerful. . . . Prophets and apostles have also urged all of us—young and old—to partake of the personal power that comes from daily reading the scriptures.

Provide Opportunities for Spiritual Experiences

For our children to develop a personal relationship with God and obtain their own testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel, they need to feel the spirit of the Lord in their lives. That is what we hope for them. One of the means to that end is to provide our children with opportunities for spiritual experiences. Note that we can only provide the opportunities, not the actual spiritual experiences. Those come from the Lord on his terms and timetable, not ours. The influence of the Spirit cannot be contrived or manipulated. All we can do is provide our children with experiences that are conducive to the Spirit and pray that their hearts will be touched.


For more powerful tips and tools to help your relationship with your children, check out 10 Secrets Wise Parents Know: Tried and True Things You Can Do to Raise Faithful, Confident, Responsible Children.

When it comes to raising your children, how do you know what works? One way is to go to the kids themselves and ask them, which is exactly what researchers and authors Brent L. Top and Bruce A. Chadwick have done. Based on a major, 10-year study they conducted with more than 5,000 LDS teens and an additional 1,000 young adults, they have honed in on 10 parenting principles that surfaced again and again in the happiest families.

2. Render daily outpourings of love.

The good seeds of gospel teaching sown within a family, like the seeds sown in a garden, can only germinate, take root, and thrive in an emotionally warm environment. Faith is fortified by love. . . . Creating a home environment where children learn the gospel, live its precepts, love the Lord, and are unified with and obedient to parents requires liberal outpourings of love every day. We prove our love with every action and every word. Loving our children requires that we tell them and show them.

[Here are a few things you can be doing to show your love to your children:]

It’s about Time

Time is the currency of love. It is a commodity that represents our love. It is difficult to precisely define love, but it is quite easy to describe how to show love. The phrase “I love you”—as important as it is—is somewhat abstract to a child. He may know in a superficial way what the words mean. But what really matters is that his father plays ball with him or that his mother reads to him. The time a parent spends with a child is a very real commodity of value, a tangible evidence of love.

Have Fun Together

Family closeness and emotional connectedness can be strengthened through playing and laughing together. Sometimes even activities that by their very nature aren’t intended to be fun, like doing dishes, cleaning the house, or working in the yard, can be productive in emotional ways.

Develop Family Traditions

One of the most important ways we can demonstrate our emotional connectedness, loyalty, and love as a family is through appropriate family traditions. Special events such as holidays, birthdays, Church ordinances, graduations, and other important events provide us with an opportunity to create memorable family traditions.

Spend Time with Each Child

Our children need, desire, and appreciate one-on-one time with their parents. Time spent with individual children shows even greater commitment to family by demonstrating parental love for one child at a time, not just the family unit as a whole. This is particularly important in the Latter-day Saint culture, where families tend to be larger than average.

“I Love You”

Each of us, including our children, needs to hear verbal assurances of love, even when we see active evidence of it. Both kinds of love—words and deeds—are essential to a happy family.

Love Your Spouse

Expressions of love between husband and wife are also important expressions of love for children. Every loving word, act of kindness, and gesture of affection between husband and wife contributes to children’s sense of security and love in the home.


For more powerful tips and tools to help your relationship with your children, check out 10 Secrets Wise Parents Know: Tried and True Things You Can Do to Raise Faithful, Confident, Responsible Children.

When it comes to raising your children, how do you know what works? One way is to go to the kids themselves and ask them, which is exactly what researchers and authors Brent L. Top and Bruce A. Chadwick have done. Based on a major, 10-year study they conducted with more than 5,000 LDS teens and an additional 1,000 young adults, they have honed in on 10 parenting principles that surfaced again and again in the happiest families.

3. Praise more than you criticize.

There is nothing inherently wrong with having high expectations for our children. Our Heavenly Father has high expectations for his children. But his expectations are realistic, and he has provided the means whereby we are able to achieve those expectations. [In a study we conducted] the teens and young adults of our study did not oppose or rebel against the high expectations of their parents. They clearly understood that parents want them to do right and to reach their potential, which is also what the youth want. They don’t want to be slackers, nor do they want their parents to eliminate all expectations.

What bothers them, however, is when their parents have unrealistic expectations, when they’re not content with anything less than top-of-the-class academic achievement, world championships in sports, and award-winning performances in the school play. Hundreds of the youth in our study complained that their parents’ high expectations often caused them to see only their shortcomings rather than their accomplishments. . . .

There may be times when our children need constructive criticism. We would be wise if we view those moments as a wise doctor views medicine needed by an ailing patient. Even medicine can be a poison, so it must be administered in the correct dosage. An overdose can kill. 

[Here are a few ways to curtail criticism:]

Accentuate the Positive

It is discouraging for anyone, but especially adolescents who naturally struggle with feelings of inadequacy, to feel as if nothing they do is ever good enough. Generous praise is a motivator. Buoyed up by praise rather than discouraged by a barrage of criticism, our children will try harder and do better.

Forgive and Forget

How grateful we should be that the Lord remembers our sins no more, provided we repent of them. Unfortunately, we sometimes aren’t as merciful with our children as the Lord is with us. The comments from the young people in our study concerning their parents’ apparent unwillingness to forgive and forget were almost as numerous as the comments about parents being overly critical and stingy with praise. Many of the teens and young adults said their parents would “hold things over my head” or “throw things back in my face,” even many years after an event.

Show Forth Increased Love

There is no greater gospel or priesthood leadership than that done within the context of the everlasting family. . . . We are familiar with the charge to show increased love after discipline, but the phrase “lest he esteem thee to be his enemy” is vital to understanding why.

All of us have the natural urge to emotionally recoil when we have been chastened. We may feel a sting of hurt, disappointment, and maybe even some degree of embarrassment. Similarly, children, including teens, commonly feel somewhat rejected by their parents when they are disciplined. Because the behavior that elicited the discipline results in some form of disappointment (sometimes even anger) from Mom and Dad, it is quite common for children to feel emotionally estranged. For these reasons, it is vitally important for parents to reach out with expressions of increased love and acceptance.


For more powerful tips and tools to help your relationship with your children, check out 10 Secrets Wise Parents Know: Tried and True Things You Can Do to Raise Faithful, Confident, Responsible Children.

When it comes to raising your children, how do you know what works? One way is to go to the kids themselves and ask them, which is exactly what researchers and authors Brent L. Top and Bruce A. Chadwick have done. Based on a major, 10-year study they conducted with more than 5,000 LDS teens and an additional 1,000 young adults, they have honed in on 10 parenting principles that surfaced again and again in the happiest families.

4. Counsel but don't control.

Most parents would love to be able to transfer their own set of guiding principles, developed through the years from both bitter and sweet experiences, to their teenage children. But young people must internalize their own beliefs, values, and ideas. Physical maturation, life experiences, influences of trusted friends and teachers, coupled with loving parental guidance, all contribute toward making teenagers who they are.

[Here are] suggestions as to how parents can maximize their influence on their teenager’s emerging personality. One of the most important things parents can do to foster maturity is to help their teen develop emotional independence.

Don’t Withdraw Love or Induce Guilt

The first suggestion for fostering psychological independence is a “thou shalt not.” Most parents discover that withdrawing love and inducing feelings of guilt are effective ways to control the behavior of their children. But children, particularly teenagers, would rather take a beating or lose privileges than have their parents withdraw their love, acceptance, and association. . . .

Guilt induction and love withdrawal may be highly effective in controlling behavior in the short term, but they have devastating long-term consequences on young people’s feelings about themselves and their abilities to manage their lives.

Encourage Children to Share Feelings, Opinions, and Ideas

One important thing that parents can do is to create a supportive environment in which they invite their children to share ideas. Time should be set aside for the family to gather and discuss what is going on in each other’s lives. The mood should be relaxed and supportive so that teenagers feel comfortable and confident in sharing ideas and feelings. Dinnertime, family home evening, rides up the canyon, family service projects, and similar activities offer an opportunity for this type of environment.

Accept Your Child’s Ideas and Opinions

Occasionally children may say something or express a feeling that is totally off the wall. We may wonder how our own flesh and blood could express such a stupid or outlandish idea. The real test of effective parenting at such times is to bite our tongue and fight the temptation to put teens in their place, letting them know in no uncertain terms that their idea is unacceptable.

If we react with, “That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard,” we will soon discover that our children will not be willing to share ideas and feelings. We need to remember that children are children—whether they are nine or nineteen—and allow them time to grow and mature.

Help Your Teenager Explore Ideas and Consequences

Once parents have calmly listened to their children’s ideas, feelings, opinions, or perceptions, they should focus on why they feel or believe as they do. “That is an interesting idea. Why do you believe that?” is one way to continue dialogue. Questions such as “What if everyone felt that way or believed that?” will encourage youth to think about the consequences of their ideas. Within the context of such a discussion, parents should share their feelings, ideas, and opinions and why they feel or believe as they do. Relevant experiences from mother and father add insight to a topic. Such discussions provide ideal settings to teach values and principles consistent with the gospel.


For more powerful tips and tools to help your relationship with your children, check out 10 Secrets Wise Parents Know: Tried and True Things You Can Do to Raise Faithful, Confident, Responsible Children.

When it comes to raising your children, how do you know what works? One way is to go to the kids themselves and ask them, which is exactly what researchers and authors Brent L. Top and Bruce A. Chadwick have done. Based on a major, 10-year study they conducted with more than 5,000 LDS teens and an additional 1,000 young adults, they have honed in on 10 parenting principles that surfaced again and again in the happiest families.

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