Worth the Effort

But why would that last statement be included? Over the years I have witnessed many people serving others constantly, and they only realize later that they feel depleted, depressed, and even resentful. Loving ourselves does not mean being self-indulgent, oblivious to the needs of those around us. It simply means putting "gas in our tank" in order to build a sense of self-worth and proceed productively and happily with our mortal existence.

Comparison

There are four aspects of loving ourselves, or showing self-compassion, that I've found to be the most beneficial. The first has to do with a "forgotten" commandment: Thou shalt not compare. Every time we compare we make a judgment: either we're better than others or they're better than us. Typically men compare in order to come out on top, thinking of how they're better off than others.

On the other hand, when women make comparisons, they usually end up feeling like others are better. "She's a better mom, cook, homemaker, scriptorian," and so on. In my twenty years of professional experience, I've found that every woman has the capacity to lament her abilities; even "Sister Smith," who arrives at church fifteen minutes early with her eight behaved children, can be found lamenting the fact that her mother did it better with fourteen children.

Only one comparison avoids this unpleasant and self-defeating predicament: comparing ourselves to ourselves. How does this work? Look at your life now, and compare it to last year, five years ago, or even twenty years ago, in some vital areas: spiritual, physical, emotional, relational, financial, etc. Then the question to ask yourself is, how am I doing? If the answer is that, overall, you're doing better in one of these areas now than in the past, is that a prideful statement? Actually no, it's a factual statement, so give yourself some credit and acknowledge that improvement! Saying something positive to yourself from time to time is like putting gas in the tank.

What if you were actually better at something twenty years ago than you are now? The first follow-up question should be, is this still a priority? For example, I weigh more in my forties than I did as a teen; is that a result of a change in priorities? No, it's just how life goes. Yet I still make those comparisons and beat myself up. Then, let's say I was more diligent in my prayers and scripture study ten years ago than I am now, four kids later. In this case however, spiritual nourishment is a priority in my life. So the question becomes, what will I do about it? Rather than beat myself up for not being good enough, I need to figure out what I am willing to do to get back on track.

Avoiding comparisons and then clarifying our priorities and creating a specific plan of action is one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves. As we do it consistently, others around us will notice and we can become an inspiration for them as well.

Perfectionism

The second aspect of becoming more loving toward ourselves has to do with the "sin of perfectionism." Most of us have become confused about what it means to become perfected. Elder Russell M. Nelson gave a wonderful talk in 1995 called "Perfection Pending" in which he discussed this topic. He said that the word telios, from the original Greek Bible, was misinterpreted as "perfect" in the English Bible. In fact, it means to become completed, not perfected. Now I'm not an expert in the scriptures, but I do know my Greek. Elder Nelson was right.

After all we can do, we still need the Savior to complete us. Understanding this relieves the pressure for perfection. We know that God gives us weaknesses to humble us, and after we humble ourselves, weaknesses can become strengths. So you see, He will continue to give us weaknesses, but only so we can become stronger.

We're not meant to be perfect, but if we don't follow the program, our weaknesses will remain weaknesses. We'll simply be imperfect and weak. Additionally we usually tend to hide or avoid dealing with our weaknesses. I did it for twenty years!

I was painfully shy growing up, and it got worse after we moved from Greece to the United States. I hated that I sounded different, so speaking in front of people was extremely painful. It went far beyond the anxiety most people feel, and I managed to get to graduate school without doing any presentations.

It was in graduate school when I was introduced to the gospel. The only obstacle to my baptism was that I knew Church members were regularly asked to speak. Eventually the missionaries promised me that I would never have to speak. But the Sunday after my baptism, Fast Sunday, the stake president asked me to share my testimony in front of 250 people. After the bishop finished his testimony and opened the floor, I literally ran down the center of the aisle and got to the podium.

I was in my mid-twenties and had never spoken to a group larger than four people. Miraculously I received so much positive feedback that it changed my whole outlook on public speaking. My biggest weakness has become one of my biggest strengths.

Embracing rather than avoiding our weaknesses will not only make us better people but will also give us the confidence we need to achieve our eternal potential.

Perspective: Basement or Penthouse?

How we view circumstances and life's events encompasses the third aspect of learning to be more loving. So what is the "basement perspective"? That's when we feel trapped, meaning there are no doors, windows, or exit signs - just darkness. We often go to the basement when we feel like there's no way out of our problems.

On the other hand, the "penthouse perspective" finds us at the top. We have a great view, with lots of options and lots of light. There's hope for solutions, and we have the type of resolve that says, no matter how difficult the circumstances, an open mind and a willing heart make anything possible.

Now we all go to the basement from time to time. The main point, however, is how long we stay there and how we get out. So here's the goal: If you are a person who sets up a permanent camp in the basement, you can try to occasionally get out and see the light. If you go and stay for weeks, maybe you can reduce it to a few days, and so on.

As for getting out of the basement, imagine you're in an elevator and the button says B, for basement. Mentally push P (as in penthouse). The P button represents the quickest way up the elevator. In reality, P stands for prayer. There's no better way to escape from the hopelessness of the basement mentality. We may not necessarily find a solution to our pressing problems, but our perspective will certainly change. It gives us an eternal view of our temporary circumstances.

Optimist or Pessimist

The fourth aspect of becoming more loving has to do with becoming more optimistic. So what is the real difference between seeing the glass half empty and the glass half full in life? The optimist wakes up every morning, looks out the window, and expresses gratitude. The pessimist wakes up the same morning, looks out the same window, and dreads the day ahead. Clearly nothing bad has transpired just yet, but there's lament for the new day.

The day begins and both are wearing their expectations on their sleeves. Everything that will take place during the day will be viewed through their unique lenses. For instance, both people get a flat tire on the way to work as they're exiting the freeway. The optimist is grateful because the flat happened as the car was slowing down and not while it was traveling on the freeway at seventy miles per hour. The pessimist pulls over at the same freeway exit, and thinks, "Why do these things always happen to me . . . now I'll be late for work, and my boss will probably fire me."

The quickest way to turn pessimism on its head is to change the questions we ask ourselves. Begin by monitoring what questions you're already asking. If it falls in the category of, "What's wrong with my life, my kids, my bishop, my spouse?" you'll get very long responses. Negativity rules.

Instead ask, "What am I grateful for?" or "What do I admire about my spouse?" The brain can't help but answer questions. Eventually, your brain will be swimming in endorphins, and feelings of optimism will abound. The beginning of change really could be that simple.

So there you have it: a future where you follow the second commandment to a T. Embracing your weaknesses, a broader perspective, and an optimistic view, all in the absence of comparisons, will literally transform your life! You'll like the result. I promise.

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I am usually an optimist but lately I'm in the basement.

Janice in Riverton, UT 84065

My 92 year old mother is my apartment companion. She is hard of hearing, is a Baptist and will not read the Book of Mormon (I've tried for over 30 years). She wants to go shopping; I want to learn and volunteer with the Humane Society. She wants to play Scrabble and Skitbo every afternoon; I want to go talk with people. Her health, otherwise a sore knee, is in a super state. In 2002, I spent 6 months in the hospital and then went to four nursing homes to learn to walk again. Then my kidneys gave out and I had dialysis for three years. I actually made friends there with the techs and enjoyed dialysis. In September 2008, I received a transplanted kidney. With it, I now have urinary problems where I leak fluid into five Depends a day. I still check in with the kidney clinic although I am not close to the doctors. I recently had a second test done on my leakage and gave the doctor the 800 number my case worker at Medicaid had given me for her to call. I gave it to the doctor and nothing further has been done. I recalled the office and the girl said 90% of claims needing Botox (of which I somehow need) are denied by Medicaid and Medicare. But they never called to find out about my case. They then promised me they would get the Chief Physician to get the 800 number and make the call and let me know what my next treatment will be and when I will have sugery. I am very nervous about going in the hospital again. I also don't feel I can go to the Temple or to Church as I would wet the padded seats because my diapers leak so easily. Sometimes, my relatives have to bring me home to change clothes in between trips because I am wet. My mother doesn't seem to understand, and I am in the basement because I am not getting out, going to classes, going to the Temple and to Church. I am reading my Ensign and I watch KBYU on Sundays and the men give me Sacrament for which I am most grateful. Your article reminded me that I am praying and probably I am supposed to learn something like patience or gratitude for having a 92 year old mom, but is sure is a trial.

What an inspiration this article is!

jennifer in Cleveland Ohio

I love this article! I think so many of us tend to go in the basement and just dwell there. We are always going to have trials in our life, but we just need to remember that god does not give us more than we can handle. We may think or feel so pestimistic like our struggles will never end, but they will. It is so important we learn and grow from our trials. When we decide to stay optimistic we are such an inspiration to others! We might not even know it. I have friends that ask me how I always see the good in the bads things in my life or even with their struggles they share with me. I remember that at those difficult and seemingly endless times... that I am so truly blessed and thank god for all my blessings. I have so much to be thankful for!

Jenna in Albany, Western Australia

Thank you so much for writing your thoughts in this article. I have always felt so inadequate as I am far from perfect, reading your translation of the word as 'completed' has made so much difference to my outlook. I've never given up trying to strive for perfection but at times the challenge just seemed too hard, now I know I just need to be completed in Christ and that I have weaknesses for a reason I feel a lot less discouraged.