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{Single Saints} 5 Signs She's Not Serious about You

Jessica Carter - October 13, 2011

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This is a companion piece to our recent "5 Signs He's Not Serious about You"--for all the men out there wishing to decode women's dating (or don't-date) hints.

Turnabout is fair play. After writing “5 Signs He’s Not Serious about You,” many readers requested that I do a similar blog to help the guys out there decode the sometimes subtle and confusing signals of the fairer sex. Well, gentlemen, here they are—five of our favorite strategies for avoiding those suitors we are just not into.

1. Blocking BFFs

If every time you try to talk to me in a social setting, one of my friends appears out of nowhere and whisks me away because she “needs help” or “needs to talk to me,” it’s because I have assigned her to play interference. Don’t get mad at her—she’s just being a loyal friend who is rescuing me from a situation I don’t want to be in. Trust me, if I were interested in you, there is no way my BFFs would interrupt us unless it was a matter of life or death.

2. She avoids eye contact and physical proximity.

Okay, guys, listen up. It seems a lot of you out there need to hone your skills at interpreting body language, so here is a quick tutorial.

If a woman is attracted to you, she will find a way to be close to you. She will lean toward you when you speak to her or when she speaks to you. She will touch your arm or brush up against your shoulder. She will stand near you. And she will make eye contact often.

If I have not touched you, if I am evading your gaze, and if I am standing at arm’s length, please take it as a sign that you’re not my type. Women are often frustrated that men can’t pick up on these signals. They may seem subtle to you, but to us, it feels like we are all but screaming out for you to please move on.

3. She never lets you do her any favors—or she asks for them constantly without reciprocating.

If I won’t let you do anything nice for me, it’s because I don’t want to let you into my personal life and I don’t want to feel indebted or obligated to you in any way. In other words, you aren’t someone I want to rely on for any reason because I don’t want you around long term and I don’t want to lead you on.

Of course, I have seen those women who go to the other extreme—always asking for favors from the nice guy who wants to be chivalrous. Its’ great that she feels she can turn to you for help, but if you always find yourself giving the favors but never getting any in return, she’s taking advantage of you, or, at best, you are in the dreaded “friend zone.”

4. She takes forever to get back to you—if she does at all.

If the woman you’re crushing on takes days to return your call, she’s not serious about you. Period. We are all busy, but if a woman likes a man, she will find a way to carve out at least a few minutes to text or call in a timely manner. If I haven’t gotten back to you at all, no, my phone isn’t off.  I got your text and your voicemail and your Facebook message. I just don’t have the heart to tell you the hard truth: I’m not interested.

5. She’s “not ready for a relationship.”

I admit it—this strategy is my weapon of choice because there is no room for argument. If I’m not ready, I’m not ready. End of story. But if a woman says this to you, what she probably means is that she’s not ready to be in a relationship with you—and she never will be. Do yourself a favor and don’t wait around for her to change her mind. The fact is, if the right guy came along, she would be ready.

Note: this escape route can also manifest as the classic “too busy for a relationship” excuse. She’s focusing on school or her career or her family. There’s just no room in her life for love. Not likely. Don’t believe it, but do take the hint.

Women can be confusing and complicated. I know it may not seem like it, but for the most part, we are trying to spare your feelings and be the nice LDS girls we were taught to be. Unfortunately, often times this means we are no good at being direct. So rather than pulling teeth and forcing us to admit that we don’t like you “in that way,” take these signs for what they are, cut your losses, and move on.

Your turn: Men, what signs do you look for to know if a woman isn’t interested (or if she is)? Ladies, what signs do you use to hint that you're not interested? Is this list accurate?


Jessica Carter is a recently divorced mother of two. In her late thirties, she is learning to navigate the mysterious world of LDS mid-singles.

© LDS Living, 2011.
Comments 5 comments

jkeyes87 said...

05:30 AM
on Oct 13, 2011

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I agree with all except #5. Yes, some girls will use that excuse anytime they can. However, I've known a few girls who've used it legitimately. One of my friends met a great guy who really she liked but just got out of a long term relationship and needed some time to get over it before diving right back into the dating pool. I'm not saying this is true for every situation, but don't think we're blowing you off every time either. -JK

macho_mz said...

03:47 PM
on Oct 13, 2011

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Most of those do ring true! I would have to add one to the list- frequently saying, “I’m busy” when you ask to get together. Just because she agreed to a first date doesn’t mean she’s interested in another. You’ll find a lot of girls in the church have been taught that it’s rude not to at least give a guy a chance, so even if she has little to no interest in a guy, she’ll probably say yes to a first date. Then comes the dilemma- she finds out that she’s still not interested, but how to let him down without hurting his feelings? Girls aren’t usually as direct with things like this, so instead of saying, “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t see this going anywhere,” she is suddenly busy every time you try to schedule another date. She might actually be busy, but if she’s interested, she’ll propose another time/place that fits her schedule.

sallynevermind said...

07:42 AM
on Oct 14, 2011

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Ok, this is the sort of thing that drives me crazy. My fellow women, let's not expect the men around us to be mind readers or behavior decoders. Yes, I understand efforts to be polite, and I agree that most people should be able to pick up on social cues (such as body language) that indicate interest, or a lack thereof. But if a guy is asking you out and you are not interested, JUST TELL HIM. The easiest way to spare someone's feelings in the long run is to simply be honest. "Thank you for asking, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship." If you don't want him, let him know so that he doesn't waste his time, and certainly don't leave him hanging around as a backup. Let him know where he stands, and let him find someone who would be thrilled to date him. I know it's flattering to be liked, but if you don't reciprocate his feelings, don't keep him around as an ego boost. Committing to honesty and integrity is the best way of being "the nice LDS girl".

macho_mz said...

08:13 AM
on Oct 14, 2011

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Sallynevermind, I completely agree! While I was raised to be polite, I was also taught that stringing someone along was a great deal more rude than telling them you're not interested. I was raised in Minnesota and had never heard about the shameful faux pas of politely declining. I've been told by more than one person in the various wards I've lived in that I was not being nice by turning down guys I didn't need to date to know I wasn't interested. I just had to throw that tip in there because I've always been the girl who had to explain to guys why the person they've been asking out over and over is mysteriously never free!

pinearrow said...

10:40 PM
on Oct 25, 2011

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AMEN, sallynevermind! Maybe my German Stepmother is the reason I am honest to a fault and only understand directness versus subtlies when they are directed towards me; if so thank heaven for her! On the other hand my Dad taught me gentleness in my dealings with others. At any rate, you ladies are trying to get thru to men that have been raised by the media. Remember those love songs on the radio, etc. I waisted the 7 - 10 grades professing my undying love for a girl that wouldn't give me the time of day because I was 'taught'devotion was a key to true love. Go figure!! We are children in men''s bodies until we understand. Understanding is often a life long process. Be direct and unwavering, please!
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