When an LDS Wife Woke Her Husband with the Words "I Feel Suicidal": A Brutally Honest Personal Account

by | Oct. 14, 2016

Mormon Life

I hope this brave, honest personal account written by Delisa Hargrove on Mormon Hub can help us all have more empathy and become more mindful of those struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts in our families and our wards.

I lay there, wide awake in the darkness. Despair suffocated me. The violent thoughts intensified. I felt myself slide another step deeper into the emotional chaos and ultimate oblivion that beckoned me.

I knew I needed his help. My husband is such a light sleeper and responded when I whispered his name.

And then I uttered words I never thought I’d ever say aloud—“I need your help. I feel suicidal.” He sprang up and turned on the lamp, then turned to look me in the face. “What did you say?”

We’d been married a long time. He knew me and loved me better than anyone on the planet. But he didn’t know the depth of darkness I’d battled. And I was so tired of battling. I hadn’t talked to him, not because I didn’t think he’d be supportive, but because I was fearful and ashamed to say the words.

My Suicide Paradox

I felt the ultimate incongruent paradox. I am strong minded and willed, but couldn’t throw off the darkness. I professed to have great faith in Christ and His plan, but hated myself. I believed in an eternity, but felt hopeless in the present and that my past was futile. I believed in love, but could only see violence.

Lead image from Getty Image.
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