Knowing the LDS Church helped me to know God and feel pure and undefiled love. But knowing God and knowing what I’d been through, made me question Him, even though I knew of His mercy, grace, and love for me. How could a supposedly “loving” Heavenly Father do this to me? Where was He in my hour of need? Why didn’t He protect me when it was my own family who hurt me so badly? Where was He when my mother’s girlfriend was emotionally and physically abusing me during my adolescent years? Did He not see the pain I went through? Did He even care?
It took me a long time to forgive Him. Over the years, I learned that despite the pain I went through, He allowed us agency and to choose between good and bad, even at the expense of my pain. I still struggle with that concept, but through some miracle, I forgave the God I once believed forsook me. I became aware of the fact that my God was always there for me. He had continuously provided me with blessings and assured me of His love. I knew it all along, but it took some time for me to see. I partially attribute it to this scripture from 2 Nephi 1:15,
But Behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.
I wept when I first read this passage. I doubted Him no more. My heart was overcome with peace. My soul has been redeemed from the hell I endured through forgiveness and the pure love of my Heavenly Parents.