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Hello, everyone. I have thought for a long time about what I'd say when this time came, but you're about to listen to the first of the last eight episodes of All In. If you've listened to this show from the beginning, you know that over the course of the last eight years, I went from living the life of a single adult to meeting my husband, thanks to this podcast, and we've now lived on two opposite ends of the country.

I am currently expecting my third child. It's been a wild ride. Many of you have said how happy it's made you to see my dreams come true, and some have even said they prayed for me. I want you to know how much you have meant to me and how much those prayers have meant to me, and how much this show has meant to me.

I am certain that I have been the greatest beneficiary of its existence, and my opportunity to learn from each guest who has been on this show has been one of the greatest honors of my life. I'm excited to share these last eight episodes with you, and I hope you'll enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed recording them.

On Thursday, May 14th, Marla Gayle was driving four of her five children to a soccer game when a semi-truck collided with their minivan, taking the life of her 13-year-old son, Parker. The accident left Marla in critical condition, and it wasn't until a couple of weeks later that she truly understood the gravity of what had taken place that day.

I had the chance to sit on the edge of Marla's bed at her home two months after the accident, and I was astounded by her faith. I wanted her to have the opportunity to share that faith with you. Marla Gayle is a wife and mother of five children. She is the founder of the We Are Creators Conference and host of the Take Your Place podcast.

This is All In, an LDS Living podcast where we ask the question: what does it really mean to be all in the gospel of Jesus Christ? I'm Morgan Pearson, and I am so honored to have Marla Gayle on the line with me today. Marla, welcome. Well, thank you so much. Well, I should tell people, I feel like I had this very, um...

Well, I, I don't like reaching out to people right after something has happened to them. It's like something about me, I'm like, "Just, like, give people time," you know? Yeah. Um, and so I'm actually kind of surprised that we're even having this conversation. But I, um, want people to know that I had the chance to visit with you, Marla.

Mm-hmm. And I just was so impressed by you and your faith and your light, and I am excited to be able to share that with those that will listen to this. I know that there are so many people that have prayed for your family and been concerned about how you're doing. And so hopefully this gives an opportunity to update people a bit on how you're, you're recovering and healing.

Um, but I wanted to start out, I feel like I've learned a lot about Parker, your son, in prepping for this interview. And like many others who I think have read about and followed your story, I feel like I fell in love with this boy that I had never met. And so I wanted to give you a chance as Parker's mom, um, and you did a beautiful job in Parker's funeral sharing a, a life sketch.

But I wondered if you could tell listeners that are not familiar with your family a little bit about Parker. Of course. Thank you so much, Morgan, and it is so interesting to see how God Connected us and how this has all played out because it's true, I do feel so ready to share about him, and I'm excited for this opportunity.

So it's hard to give a snapshot of someone's whole life in a moment like this sometimes. People often only hear about someone after they've passed, so then it can feel like we're only talking about the good. But honestly, Parker really was even better than I can convey right now in a podcast. He had this huge thirst for knowledge, this curiosity, and we would go to the library and come home with arm loads of books every time.

He loved tinkering and building and experimenting, always chasing some idea that would somehow solve a big problem. And he loved team sports, but it wasn't really about his own performance. He loved cheering for his team loudly on purpose because he wanted them to hear him and feel motivated. And then there were the chickens.

The last two years of his life, he fell in love with them. He researched everything, and he put together an actual PowerPoint to convince my husband and me to get some. He had the cost breakdowns, the breeds, everything they'd need, and how could we say no? We, we built the coop together, and he called them his girls, and he took care of every part of raising them.

And there's a joke among parents that when you get your kid a pet, you really just got yourself a pet. Right. But it was not like that with Parker. I still don't know how to take care of chickens except use their eggs because he handled everything from the dirty, messy stuff to going out and cuddling them in the morning.

And so he was just so endearing that way, and he loved taking care of people and things. But underneath all of that was his love for God, and that was what made him extraordinary He had a seven-year streak of reading the Book of Mormon every day, and- Unbelievable ... he was 13. Yeah, it's, it's amazing. And every Tuesday and Thursday, he would go to the temple before school, and we called it his temple period because it was so regular, and it felt to me like this core part of his education was coming to know God.

And the month before he passed, he found out he had completed 1,000 ordinances because he was always on FamilySearch finding the names that he was going to take, and then he found out he had done that, and he was so excited because he thought about those people. And he would ask me, "Do you think I'm gonna meet them someday?"

And it was like, "Yeah, for sure," and he was so excited about that and what these ordinances would mean to them. And so that was Parker, this regular teenage boy, loved telling jokes and being silly, and then also so deeply extraordinary all at once. So that's my very human attempt- I love it ... at trying to wrap him up in a nutshell.

Well, when I was listening to you share, when I watched the funeral, I kept coming back to my husband and saying like, "You've gotta hear this precious story about Parker," because he just is so cute. Right? And I think the... I loved when you said like, "How could we not?" about the chickens, and then thinking about we all want to create, you know, a welcome party for ourselves- Yes

on the other side when it comes to temple work. Yes. But how Parker had no idea how soon he would need that welcome party- Right ... and none of us do. And I just... What a special, special boy. And I wanted to ask you, kind of related to that, I kept thinking, and I've told you this, Marla, I kept thinking after learning more about Parker, I was like, man, what a blessing- To have a child who you get in, I mean, obviously an accident where you lose a child is, does not feel like a blessing.

Right. But you get in this accident and you know, Marla, where Parker is. Yeah. There's not a doubt in your mind. And that peace and that assurance, I kept thinking, "Man, how do I raise kids who, if that were the case, if I were to lose them, I would know exactly where they were?" And- Right ... so I, as I was watching the funeral, I believe it was your bishop that was conducting, is that right?

Yes. Okay. And he said he wanted to applaud you and your husband, and he said, and I wanna put this in quotes, "Because you did it right," m- Mm-hmm ... referring to parenting Parker. And I wondered, what do you feel like you did to help? And I know you don't wanna brag on yourself. But what did you do to help cultivate in Parker a love for the gospel?

And how much of it was just part of his nature, would you say? Yeah. That is such a good question, and it was so nice of our bishop to say that, but I don't think there's one right way to raise kids, you know? And I, I do think Parker came spiritually thirsty in a way. He wanted it. He craved it. And I never felt like I was extraordinary at almost anything.

I do really love God. And so from the time Parker was born, as soon as we were reading him books, we were reading him scriptures and talking about it. Those normal stories, we, we read him, but scripture stories were just as woven into that. And the pictures on our walls, the music in our home, it was all devotion without ever trying to be a lesson.

Right. And I loved reading my scriptures throughout the day. They'd just be sitting on my bed open, not to send a message, but just because that's what I was thinking about, that's what I loved. And going to the temple wasn't about setting an example either really. It was just where I wanted to be and where I found solace for myself- Mm-hmm

and what I wanted to learn about. And I felt at home there. And so the conversations we had, God came up naturally and genuinely in whatever we were talking about. And so we didn't have, like, big intentional traditions. I mean, we do have some, but I think it's more just the way that we lived because we loved God, and I think Parker soaked it all up.

He was like a sponge. He came thirsty, and it was just there for him to drink. I love that. I love the way you put that. Marla, I wanted to start with Parker because when we initially talked, you said, "I would love the, to have the chance to share Parker." Mm-hmm. And so I wanted to start with Parker because that, to me, is the most important part of this interview, and we'll continue to talk about Parker as we continue on.

But I wanted to kinda go back to the accident and- Yeah ... what you remember about the day of the accident and the events that led up to it. Yeah. Thank you. I'm so glad we started with Parker, and but I am ex- also excited to share my experiences, so this is great. So to be honest, I don't remember anything about the accident itself.

The last thing I remember is waking up about two weeks later, trying to make sense of what happened to my body, and for a while I couldn't remember anything before that, not even the day of the accident. It slowly came back to me over time. And now I can remember about an hour or two before the accident.

I remember three of the five of our kids had commitments at pretty much the same time that night, and I was talking to my husband about how to divide it up. And he said he wanted to take our four-year-old to see her sing at a nursing home, and I remember in that moment feeling weirdly good about that. It felt deeper than just logistics.

And I told him, "Yeah, you should take her, and I'll take the other ones to soccer." And I remember that stuck out to me that ... And now I look back on that, and that's precious to me that it was not just a roll of the dice of who was in that car. And that was where I was supposed to be, and the roles that my husband ended up needing to play, he was meant to fill those roles.

And so that was tender, but the other thing is I remember it was actually a really good motherhood day for me. I got all the kids fed and ready, and we were ahead of schedule getting them to their games. That- Which we all know is a win. It is. When I heard what time the accident happened, I had a moment where I was like, "Whoa.

I was on time." Like, "I was ahead of time." And so my day had gone really well as far as mothering, and that's the last thing I can remember. Okay. And then looking back, you, you mentioned a couple of things that I think you can look back and see, okay, like you said, this is not a coincidence. Mm-hmm. I, I have a friend, Marla, who in reference to, like, geographical location about where we live- Mm-hmm

says that her dad always says, like, "God cares very much where we are." Right. And I think that that's true even on, like, a day-to-day, minute-to-minute- Yeah ... situation. And so, like, I don't think that it's a coincidence that you were on time that day. But looking back, are there other ways that you can see that the Lord prepared you and your family for what you experienced and what you continue to go through?

Yeah. It's all over. It's amazing. As I've looked back, that's been a really tender experience to see how God was preparing us for a long time. A lot of people have asked me how I've been able to go through this in the way that I have, and I think about Noah building an ark years before the flood ever came, and that is my answer, too.

In a way that I've been building this closeness with God and this relationship, and it's been a decade or more in the making. It's been something that I've been working on slowly and, and that is a relationship that now is sustaining me. But also, looking back at the trials that we've had in our marriage and in our family, they've...

We've had, like, really large trials almost every year, and they got harder, almost incrementally, each one bigger than the last, and each one taught me something about God because I experienced it firsthand. For instance, I know God is a God of miracles because our last two kids shouldn't be here. They were high-risk pregnancies and, and so I learned that about God.

And I know how He speaks to me because He speaks to me every day, and that's been a constant of how I've gotten through some things. And then I know that He walks with us through our trials and that He's a loving God because of the things that I've experienced. So they're not just things that I believe, but they're things that were forged in hardship and trial, and they're in my bones now.

And, and also because we've already ha- built this family culture of talking openly about spiritual things- And about how God is getting through whatever we're facing. That culture was already there when this happened, and we didn't have to build it in the middle of this tragedy. And so we are just continuing to do that and talk through what we're feeling and how God is getting us through that right now, and that is sustaining us right now I think that it's so interesting that idea of, uh, in, in the, the song Build an Ark.

Yeah. In Primary. We've been learning that- Yes ... in our Primary. And how it says, like, "I will build an ark before it starts to rain." Yeah. And, um, I think, you know, once the rain starts coming, not that it's e- ever too late to turn- Right ... to God, but we need that. So I think God is very merciful in, in helping us be prepared for those times, and- Right

you obviously are somebody who has made a, an effort throughout your life to be close to God and close to the Spirit. And so I am not surprised that you feel like you were in a place to be able to handle this, but I admire that so much. You too. And I feel like it's something I could, I could do so much better on.

Marlee, you shared with me that the truck driver in this accident was a member of the church. Talk to me a little bit about the compassion that you have felt toward him and his family, and the ability to forgive. Mm. Thank you for that. I feel so tender towards the truck driver and his family. And so the first time we heard from the truck driver, basically our introduction to him was through our bishop, and this was when I was in the hospital.

My husband was at home, and our bishop shows up on our front porch with this huge picture of Jesus Christ that is now hanging in our room. And the bishop had been in communication with the truck driver, and so he brought that huge picture of Christ along with a long, heartfelt letter, like five pages.

And he was so remorseful and so genuine, and it touched us so deeply. So that's our introduction to him on a personal level. And then the next time was at the funeral. I met him along with his wife, and we hugged, and we cried together. And his sincerity and his remorse and tenderness, it was so palpable.

That was so touching. And to be honest, m- my energy and capacity is also so limited right now because of my healing and my brain and my body. And I definitely don't feel like I have any energy for anger or frustration or blame in any way. I think there are times when everyone in a situation feels devastated And I think it would feel different if there was any malice or ill intent or anything on his part, but there wasn't.

And he genuinely feels so much remorse, and I just don't want to get in the way of any love or mercy that I know Jesus Christ has for him. I want him to feel that peace and love that is available to him and that I know God wants him to feel, and his family and his friends and his ward and stake to feel.

I don't want in any way to get in the middle of that. And so that's been all the feelings that we have for him and his family as I know they are navigating what is also such a huge trial of their own Wow, that was so well said, and I, I think that you, there were several things that you said there that a lot of us can take and apply to different situations in our lives- Mm-hmm

and I appreciate you sharing that. Yeah. In the hospital, Marla, your sister and your husband, I thought this was so sweet, I remember following along on Instagram- Mm-hmm ... as many people were, waiting for, for your sister to post updates. Yeah. And you told me later, you were like, "My husband and my sister tried to orchestrate this perfect moment to tell me what had happened- Mm-hmm

and about Parker." Um, but you've said now, you're like, "I'm not, I wasn't even able to comprehend what they were saying." Right. And so when do you feel like, Marla, you were able to start to comprehend and start to understand what had happened to Parker? Yeah. I- they really did try to be so intentional and thoughtful about telling me what had happened, and they had all the different doctors there.

They had my husband and my sister, everyone ready to tell me this news as well as they could. But I was in and out of consciousness for the first three days, and then I don't have almost any memory for the first two weeks after that. I had two strokes in the hospital that wiped my memory, and so my memory really begins after that last stroke.

And the strange thing is, the first time I remember waking up, having real awareness, I feel like I already knew the news about Parker, but I don't remember a moment of being told. I just already knew, and I'm so grateful for that. What I do remember needing to be told was why my body wasn't working. Why did my left side not work?

Because that's where the impact came So that I asked about. But Parker, somehow I already knew, and I'm just so grateful for that. I'm grateful I don't have a memory of the instant someone told me my son had died, because I did ask people what my reaction was at different times. They had to tell me about fifty times, sometimes multiple times in a day, what had happened, and I feel so bad for them that they had to tell me that so many times, never knowing if that was the time I was going to remember.

But I am grateful now that I don't have that memory, and that understanding came at some point. I just don't know when, and that feels like a mercy to me. Absolutely. Well, I think I, I loved a story that you shared at Parker's funeral where you said that you had a dream Mm-hmm ... and in the dream you were giving a life sketch- Uh-huh

of Parker. And so then you said later when you were all were planning the funeral, your sister was like, "And who's gonna give the life sketch?" And you said, "Oh, that, that's me." Yeah. You knew that it was you. Yeah. And so it's interesting to me how God works with us- Yeah ... and that ability that you had to know something that- Mm-hmm

you can't remember being told, like how merciful is- Yeah ... the Heavenly Father. Yeah. And what a good father. Um- Yes

and so I, I love, I love hearing that. You have been trying to heal while also dealing with grief and while trying to be a mom, a mom to kids who are also grieving. Mm-hmm. And I've wondered how you have managed all of that, trying desperately to help your family heal while also needing to heal yourself. Is there anything in particular that you feel like has gotten you through?

Yeah. It's, it is so interesting trying to navigate so many things at once while my brain is my most severe injury. Because my own recovery has been layered and severe, and then the loss of my son, who was a brother and son, we're all grieving in different ways, and we all had very different experiences.

Some of my kids remember everything from the accident, and others were unconscious. And then others, you know, drove up to the accident and saw the accident that way. And so having my recovery thrown into all of this has made it difficult and interesting to navigate, but also simple in some ways s- because my injuries have actually helped me in a way.

They've shown me what I can do and what's actually in my capacity, and they've made it so I physically couldn't take on more than I can hold. My brain would just forget. My brain and my body could not move in a lot of ways. And so I couldn't take on more. I remember waking up in the hospital and realizing at some point that people had already been taking care of my kids for weeks.

That was weird because- ... people have asked me like, "Oh, is it weird to have other people parenting your kids?" And, and I'm like, "I don't know." And I think the harder part was realizing that it was already happening. I had to just let go. And so- Had no choice ... yeah, exactly. And then coming home after being gone for a month, that's odd too.

Like your whole world has been functioning and then you come home into it. And so there's been this natural release of what I simply cannot hold because my brain can't hold it. And so I've had to just give that to God. Uh, and so I'm grateful in a strange way for my brain injury because it has kept me from taking on more than I've been ready for, and I've been able to take things on slowly.

And so my physical recovery has, in a way, helped my emotional recovery take on only what I can hold and give me the space and time to emotionally come to terms with everything. So, but also there's been a whole lot of help from family and friends that have been keeping our family going, and they're

Having those people and having God with me as one of those people, that's been undeniable peace. And so God's gotten me through, and also my injuries have oddly been a merciful part of that. I wanna touch on really quickly something that I didn't prepare you for, but, but you mentioned, you know, that your family and friends have been such a blessing.

To me it seems like just from the outside looking in, I mean, your sister literally dropped everything- Right ... to go and get on an airplane as soon as she heard about your accident. And- Yeah ... you, you mentioned to me that you've had other siblings- Yeah ... that have also like just dropped everything in their normal lives to come and help and support your family through this.

What has that meant to you to have that kind of love and support? Oh my gosh, I, everything. I, even though I wasn't alert for it or conscious for it, just knowing that my sister, my, my whole family. But like my sister Tiffany, she got on the first plane 20 minutes after she heard and was up here within, a- as short as you can be somewhere.

And people from my ward picked her up, and then my sister, one of them lives in Puerto Rico, and she moved her entire family, and they came out so quickly. And then my brother lives in Seattle. None of my family lives here. I feel like I woke up and I just woke up in the hospital and I looked over and I was like, "Hi, Kendra.

Hi, Tiffany." And then like a week or two later I was like, "Wait, you don't live here." What are you doing here? What are you... How did you get here? You weren't supposed to be here for a long time as far as like they weren't gonna be coming from Puerto Rico until later in the summer. And so it just took a long time for things to dawn on me, but as they did, I was just overwhelmed with everyone dropping things and showing up for our family and being there and literally carrying me through this experience.

It's amazing. Yeah. I wanted to ask you, there is a quote that you mentioned when we visited together that has become particularly meaningful in this journey post-accident. Can you tell listeners a little bit about what that quote is and why it's come to mean so much to you? Yeah, absolutely. So one of my favorite quotes is from President Nelson, and it's, "The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives."

And I've loved that quote for years. It's in my entryway. Someone sent it to me while I was in the hospital, and I don't think they were trying to cheer me up specifically. I don't even remember anything about their message except that quote. And they probably didn't know it was one of my favorites, but I looked at it and thought, "Wait, that's one of my favorites."

And then I had this moment with God where I was like, "God, this is not a normal circumstance. Does this even work right now?" And I felt him say, "Prove me." And I thought, "I would love for you to be right," because everything I'd heard about grief, it sounded dark and sad and stuck. And I didn't want to be any of those things.

I wanted more joy. And so I started trying it, and I have seen the clearest pattern. How my day goes is directly connected to how much I get to talk about Jesus that day, to the point that if I'm having a down day, I sit there and I think, "Oh, I haven't been able to talk about Jesus as much." And I pray, "God, please help me have an opportunity to testify and talk about you."

And He does. He delivers those experiences. And I mean, how could He not? Um, but I've noticed that if I focus on Him in my thoughts and in my words and what I'm doing, I do feel joy, which isn't something that I knew could happen, um, as I'm grieving this, this unimaginable tragedy. And then it got me thinking, "Why wouldn't Christ's atonement work right now for even the hardest, deepest things?

Why wouldn't He still wanna bring us joy?" We were meant to have joy even... And there, there's not, like, a caveat to that. Like, "Oh, you, y- we want you to feel joy, but not when you go through this or this or this," but we're s- we're meant to have joy. And I think especially people who are navigating really hard stuff, Christ wants them to have joy too.

And that's what I've learned, is even in the middle of the hardest thing, God is still there, and He still is wanting us to feel joy as we navigate it. I love hearing the way that you have learned that lesson, and I also loved how you said, "How could he not?" Right. That reminds me of that scripture about how much more does God wanna give good gifts to those who ask him.

Mm-hmm. And, you know, we think about how much we as mortal parents love and care about and want our kids to experience a fullness of joy- Yeah ... and want every good thing for them, and how much more does Heavenly Father want us, even in the hardest times, to feel that joy- No ... and to be able to feel him with us even when we're passing through our own Gethsemane.

Right. Um, so I think that's really, really remarkable. I will be honest and say if it were me and somebody sent me that quote, I'd be like, "You gotta be kidding me." But I love, I love how you said, "I don't think they were trying to cheer me up." I wanted to ask you, you've had some very distinct experiences that have helped you feel peace in the wake of this accident, and I don't want you to share anything that you don't feel comfortable sharing, but I wondered if there was anything that you do feel comfortable sharing about, um, being able to feel peace throughout this experience.

Yeah. Thank you so much. I- Believe God is always wanting to comfort us through hard times. And so He's definitely been there, and I have had distinct experiences that have shaped the lens that I view this whole situation through. And I, And I think that's true in general for life, that the perspective we sh- we carry and we view the world through shapes how we navigate the hard things that come in our life.

So let me give you a background for the first one. Okay. Parker was a surprise baby. We'd been married for four months when we found out we were pregnant, and we'd even planned for birth control. And he-- God had a different plan, and Parker was coming and on the way. And so now fast-forward to about two weeks after the accident.

I was just becoming aware, and the day after, I'm looking at this wall of photos in my hospital room. They put so many pictures of Jesus right in front of where I could see, and that was such a blessing because I couldn't really study the scriptures and because my brain wasn't at a place to do that. But I would look at the wall, and I would have phrases and things from the scriptures come to me.

And one of those days, I was looking at the wall, and God just said, "Marlet, do you remember how Parker at his birth was such a surprise? It wasn't your plan." And I was like, "Oh, yeah, I definitely remember that." Um, and He said, "But he came on his due date." And I remembered, "Yeah, that's so true." I always thought that was a unique part of Parker's story.

It felt significant, and it, it felt like he came exactly on time. And normally, babies don't come on their due date. I had pretty much written off the due date. I was like, "I'm gonna go do something fun 'cause I'm just gonna be bummed that he's not here." And so-- But he came on his due date. And so then God was like, "So...

And in his death, it was such a surprise to you. It was not your plan, um, but he came home on his due date." And that startled me, um, because that was a whole different way to view this accident. And then He said, "You," meaning, like, all of us, "You try to control life. You try to make the best plans you can for when someone should come into this life.

And then once they're here, you try to m- do everything you possibly can to make sure their life doesn't end." Um, and then he said, "But that is not your role. That's mine. I choose when life comes into this world, and I choose when it progresses out of it. Your role is to celebrate life, to nurture it, and then walk with me to find out why I do life the way I do and why life is happening the way it is."

But that moment shifted a lot for me because even though Parker died in an accident, there was nothing accidental about it, I was learning. And, and I'd had a lot of questions about the accident, like, "What if I had done this? What if, what if that happened? What if I could have done this?" And then at one point, what actually stopped all these what if questions was coming up to something that I knew, which was, uh, which was a knowledge that came from another trial in my life, that God is a God of miracles.

And just like He miraculously saved me, He could have saved Parker no matter what if it had been His plan. But instead, Parker died instantly in a way that let him donate all of his organs so miraculously, which is what he always wanted to do. And my husband, when people ask him about it, he tells them it doesn't really make sense because m- my wife was crushed, but my son died, and his body only took one hit.

And so somehow I lived and Parker didn't, but I know God could have saved him just like He saved me. It wasn't that He couldn't, it just wasn't His time and he was supposed to be over there, and that's brought me a whole lot of peace. There's also a second experience that I'd love to share. Um, ever since I woke up and learned about the accident, I've mostly been curious about it, but the question is always like, "Why am I alive?"

I look at the pictures and look at the impact, and I shouldn't be. I... So that was my main question, is why am I here? And a couple days before I left the hospital, I had an experience with Parker, and in that experience, I learned about his excitement for what he'd been accept- assigned to do on the other side, the mission he'd been called to, and just his exuberance for it, like over-the-top excitement.

And he told me, "Mom, you have a work to do too, but it's on Earth And that was so meaningful to me because for the longest time I didn't understand why I was here. And even though it doesn't make logical sense, like I should have died, but I am here. He should have lived, but he's not. And it reminded me of this quote from President Nelson in his talk, A Plea to My Sisters, where he's talking to women and he basically says, "Step forward.

Take your rightful and needful place in your home and in your community and in the kingdom of God like you never have before." And I used to think if I was alive or if someone else was alive, it was because they had been born and nothing bad had happened yet. But something tragic and bad did happen, and I'm still alive.

And now I just know so strongly that if you're here living, you're supposed to be here. And if someone isn't here anymore, it's because they're supposed to be there. They have a mission over there. And so if you're on Earth, you're supposed to be. God could put you anywhere he needs you to be. If you weren't supposed to be living, you wouldn't be.

And that's not like a scary like, ooh thing. But really, if you are here, you're supposed to be here. And so we should act like we're supposed to be here and live like we're meant to be living here, and that's brought me so much peace. Marla, that is so, so powerful. And I think that idea of if you're here, you're supposed to be here, and if you're not, you're supposed to be somewhere else- Yeah

that it goes back to that idea of God cares very much where we are. Yes. And, um, so I love that. I love that you shared that. I also love the thought that you had about- Parker, uh, was born on his due date, and, and how you said that you were startled by that thought. Yeah. I think it's so interesting. One of the biggest ways that I feel like I know that the Spirit is speaking to me is when I feel like a thought did not come from me, that I'm like, "Oh, I'm, I'm learning something here"- Yeah

but it's just from a thought. Yeah. And so I love that you had that thought, and it also reminded me of, of something that Laurel Day, who is the former president of Deseret Book- Mm-hmm ... she during COVID shared a thought about missionaries, and, and she was speaking to missionaries who, because of COVID, had had to come home early.

Mm-hmm. And she talked about the, the line in the mission call that says... And I pulled it up so I make sure I get the verbiage exactly right. "It is anticipated that you will serve for a period-" Mm-hmm ... "of 18 months." Yeah. And she talked about how you, our expectation is, you know, what you were talking about.

We're gonna do everything- Yeah ... we can to preserve life- Yeah ... to stay here for as long as we can. But- Right ... to God, nothing is anticipated, you know? Yeah. It's all part of His plan, and He knows how long we're supposed to be here. He knows how long- Right ... you're supposed to be on a mission, and He, He takes care of the timing as we do our part.

Mm-hmm. I think you shared so many things that are so important, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna move on, but I, I hope people will, will listen closely to what you said there. Your husband has already been able to go through the temple to receive Parker's endowment by proxy. Mm-hmm. For a little boy who loved the temple as much as Parker, and I'm sure who continues to love the temple as much as Parker- Yeah

what do you think this means to him? Oh my goodness, so much. I, that was such a beautiful day. I remember waking up, I hadn't even, like, opened my eyes yet, and I remember just feeling the words, "Good morning, Mom. Today's the day. I'm so excited. I'll be there." And I was so excited for him. And so I have also always dreamed of what it would be like to take my kids to the temple and send them on missions, 'cause that's something they've all talked about.

And so you anticipate these milestones that you have with your kids and the things to look forward to. But the amazing thing about that day is I feel like I didn't miss out on that dream. I feel like I was actually living it just years ahead. I mean, he was 13, so like five years ahead of, of what it would have been- Normal schedule.

Normal schedule. Anticipated, right? That's what we anticipated. But instead, we were going through the temple with him five years sooner. And I felt like I was actually living that, and it was happy and personal and exciting. And I knew he was there with us. We, we both did. And so many people joined us that day, friends and people who meant so much to our family.

It honestly felt like I was preparing for a live endowment. That's how present he felt. He would be like, "Invite this person, invite this person." Mm. So w- it was like he was there. And we took a group photo outside the temple, and then we went home and had people over to eat cheesecake, Parker's favorite dessert, and we celebrated like he was there because he was.

And I know he was so thrilled for it. It's interesting because my... I had the same thought. I was like, man, he is 13 years old. Yeah. But the fact that time is so different- Mm-hmm ... heavenly time. Yeah. And also thinking about Parker, and it's like he was prepared, way more prepared than many of us when we received our endowment.

Right. Um, I, I love that you were able to do that. Um, it is also amazing to me, Marla, that you and your husband were both able to speak in Parker's funeral with such composure. I mentioned that you gave the life sketch, but your husband also spoke. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And you can ask my husband, while I listened to your husband's talk, I just kept, like, pounding my chest.

Like- Mm ... it just hurt. Yeah. Um, and he did such a beautiful job. And so I wonder- Mm-hmm ... what has brought, what has brought the two of you as a couple the most peace through this experience and the ability to be composed when talking about something so heartbreaking? Yeah. Thank you. And you know, it's so interesting because you said together as a couple, but I-- we had been separated for the entire month before the funeral- Right, right

living in separate places, and he was very involved with the kids at home. Like, we hadn't talked much and had very separate experiences that whole month. And, but I think we both felt this really deep desire to share Parker with the world because he lived his life quietly, and he didn't ever want to, like, talk about himself or feel like he was bragging, but he lived such a beautiful, intentional life.

And so I think we were so grateful for that opportunity to get to share him. I remember one specific dream that I had that you mentioned earlier, but it's funny because my brain isn't actually dreaming right now. I haven't almost had any dreams since the accident because of my brain injury. But I had a dream in the hospital, and I woke up from that dream, and I remember I was standing at his funeral giving his life sketch.

And so I woke up thinking, "Wait, who's plan- who's planning the funeral? Is life sketch part of that? I don't even know." And then when I did find out who was planning it, and they asked who was gonna do this, I just knew that was supposed to be me. And I think knowing that I was supposed to do it also brought a lot of peace, and my husband also felt like he was...

We knew that he was supposed to do the other part. And so knowing that Parker wanted us to be the ones sharing about his life meant so much and brought a lot of peace. But also, honestly, just standing there long enough to deliver that was its own kind of miracle for me. I had just come home from the hospital a couple days before, and in therapy, I had worked so hard just to be able to stand because in my dream I was standing giving that talk.

And so that was my goal, and my therapists all knew my goal was to stand at the funeral and to speak. And so they would get out their stopwatch, and they would time me, two minutes, three minutes, maybe four minutes. I could sometimes barely stand for one. And so I had never stood as long as I needed to for the funeral But the day before, a sweet friend, Tamara McFadden, who has been on the show and has lost a son of her own, she sent me a voice note and she said, "Marla, he's gonna be there with you.

He's going to be there, and he'll be so proud that you are sharing about him." And I took that to heart, and I really believed he would be standing there with me. And then when I actually did give the message, that's exactly how it felt. Like he was helping me stand on my one foot that was good and helping me not get too dizzy from p- to pass out.

Like that was a miracle that I could even stand and do that, and I felt like he was there supporting me Well, I'm sure that he was. That where, where else would he be? Where would he want to be more? Right. Um, Marla, thank you so much for sharing so many beautiful thoughts and experiences, and just giving everybody a little taste of not only Parker, but of you, Marla, because I know that you said you wanted to share Parker with other people.

I wanted to share you with other people. But my last, my last question for you is what does it mean to you to be all in the gospel of Jesus Christ? Mm. This one's so tender to me right now. I've always loved hearing people's answers to this question, and for me, in this season, being all in means being all in in my devotion to God, even when things are really not going how you think they would.

And when life has gone somewhere you never thought it would, or you wake up to reality you never hoped for or wanted, but it's yours now, and this is mine, and still turning to Him every day asking for His perspective, asking for His lens to look through life at and try to understand why life is going the way it is and why things are happening in my life the way that they are.

And because when I look back, there are ways to see this accident as a bad, tragic, horrific thing. But because of Him, I've come to see it instead as a sign of God's love for Parker and for us, and He turned this horrific experience into holiness. I think we're sometimes too quick to say something is bad, and then say that God doesn't make bad things happen, so it couldn't have been Him or He couldn't be in that experience.

But I've seen that even the most tragic things can hold love inside of them, and if you look at them through the lens of love, which is the lens of God, He is only trying to love and nurture and support us. It changes everything So I want to just be learning from him all the time. I wanna be all in on learning his perspective and asking him for insights through my hardest times because also I believe that is what Christ did.

He walked and endured the most horrific days of his life, and he stayed committed even though he asked, "Can this cup pass?" And but he kept asking his Father to help him understand why it was happening and how to keep going. And we all see the wisdom that he continued to do what he was meant to do. And sometimes God helps us stay true to what we know is best or what we covenanted to do before we came to Earth.

And so I believe that's what all in means to me, is asking God for his perspective and staying devoted to him even when life takes you somewhere you never thought you'd be. Marla, thank you so much. You are so articulate and such a light, and it has been a blessing for me personally to be able to learn from you.

Um, and I'm also excited for others to have that chance, so thank you so, so much. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share Parker and share our experience and our story because it feels like this part of me that is meant to be shared. And it feels like something Parker and I are doing together, him doing his mission on that side and me talking about it here and doing my work here.

And so it's this beautiful companionship of sorts ... where we can, like, pound it across the veil and, and give each other knucks or something because- ... it's really cool that we're just both getting to share how we love God and how we see him. So thank you. Well, I'd say you both have great mission companions, so keep up-

the good work. Thank you.

After recording this episode, I read this quote by President Spencer W. Kimball: "If we say that early death is a calamity, disaster, or tragedy, would it not be saying that mortality is preferable to earlier entrance into the spirit world and to eventual salvation and exaltation? If mortality be the perfect state, then death would be a frustration, but the gospel teaches us there is no tragedy in death, but only in sin.

Blessed are the dead that die in the Lord." It is my testimony that Parker Gail lives, and I'm so grateful to Marla for sharing him with us. Thanks as always to Derek Campbell of Mix at Six Studios for his help with this episode, and thank you for listening. We'll look forward to being with you again next week