This article is sponsored by Choice House.
On Sept. 22, 2018, I stood in my older brother, Braden’s, bedroom—all of his clothes neatly folded and organized, his entire life in that little apartment. My mother laid in his bed holding his pillow and weeping, her sadness and loss filling the room.
I couldn’t believe this was happening. How did this happen and why couldn’t I save him? Did I fail him? Who sold him the heroin? This time, it matters, because this time, it took his life. Will God let me trade my life for his? Take me and leave him – my mother needs her firstborn son back. The thoughts swirl in my head and I can’t stop them. We’ve reached the last chapter of my brother’s book. It didn’t start here, though. This had been going on for 17 years.
I started abusing drugs and alcohol when I was 12 years old. When I was 14 and Braden was 17, I followed his example and tried heroin for the first time, at which point he was already hopelessly addicted to the drug. I knew it was against everything I’d been taught as a child in the LDS faith, but I didn’t care anymore. My parents’ divorce from a few years prior had hit my family like a missile, and both of us just wanted to escape the pain.
Our choice to abuse drugs put us in the same hell together for years—multiples stints in jail, in and out of treatment centers, homelessness, selling drugs, and many near-death experiences. The next several years were about survival for us. We robbed and stole; we disappeared and left our family calling morgues and jail; we did anything we had to do to get high. It went on for years.
Ten years ago at the age of 20, God gave me the means to get clean and sober. I entered a treatment program in Colorado centered on God and spiritual growth. It changed – and saved – my life. I went in with the intention of faking my way through until I could get back on the streets, but my Creator intervened. The leaders at this program taught me how to live a life based on moral principles and about a life steeped in service to others. They taught me that no matter what happened, I could stay on this course. I’m here today because of these leaders and because they kept praying. I’m here because I’m a son of God, and he may have use for me yet. And today, I understand that a spiritual life based on faith and principles is the answer to ALL my problems.
Braden was unable to find the same answers. The storm that raged inside him would only cease momentarily – it would always come back in full force, and he would be swept into the clutches of drug abuse once again. He told me that the dark storm followed him everywhere. Even though he was an incredibly talented musician and a kind, compassionate soul, he couldn’t escape.
But Braden’s passing will never be in vain. The dark and painful experiences of our pasts have become the single greatest tool I have in helping others who struggle with addiction. I am now the executive director of Choice House, a men’s treatment program in Colorado, similar to the one that saved me. We teach our men how to live a meaningful life based on spiritual principles, the same principles that Christ taught. We help them experience joy and brotherhood. I’ve seen more than a hundred of them recover from their addiction and craft new lives.
Throughout the many years of addiction, my brother and I were blessed with a family that never gave up on us. Our mother and father continued to support our attempts to get clean. Our younger brother and sister never shut us out. Our grandparents and extended family prayed until their knees gave away—they stood in that ring and didn’t let go.
I now have the opportunity to be that same support system for so many others. Despite the tragedy of losing my brother, I know there is hope. I know that through God and the tools that have been given to us, there is a way out and there is peace. My life has grown into something I could not have imagined. I have meaning and purpose, I see God’s hand in the lives of those suffering every day. I had been given the opportunity to bear witness to miracles. I will remain forever grateful for the grace of God, for he has brought me to today.
