The longer I stay home with my kids, the more I'm realizing that motherhood is nothing if not the acquisition of a ton of new skills.
So one day when the kids have grown up and left the nest, what am I going to do with all my expertise?
Some jobs I might consider are:
Pet groomer. I spend most of my babies' infancy obsessively checking their scalp, ears, eyes, and nose for dry skin and removing debris. In my free time, I also comb through my older kids' hair looking for lice.
Funeral director. My kids have owned a diverse assortment of hamsters, crayfish, and other small animals, none of which have lived long. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm extremely practiced in making burial arrangements and comforting the bereaved.
TSA agent. I specialize in the detection of contraband materials my kids are trying to sneak past me. Give me a hand-held metal detector and a body scanner and I'd be unstoppable.
Actuary. Actuaries specialize in risk management, constantly calculating the likelihood and cost of catastrophic events—otherwise known in motherhood circles as "being awake."
Psychic. My 8-year-old thinks I know where his shoes are, despite the fact that I have never, ever worn them. This happens to me all the time. The only explanation is that I must actually have psychic powers, because why else would everyone assume I can tell them the current location of everything they own?
Hotel concierge. I could totally see myself being available night and day to politely accommodate everyone's requests to ensure that they have a pleasant stay. I say that because right now I'm literally watching myself do it.
Forensic scientist. Not a day goes by that I don't come across some ridiculous mess and have to work out what happened by examining the evidence available. I don't need to watch CSI. I live it.
Judging by the trajectory of the splatters and the bowl, I'd say someone's bartender slide needs a little more practice.
Air traffic controller. During the hours of 4 and 8 p.m., I'm responsible for directing the flow of incoming and outgoing traffic when all the kids simultaneously need to be at their 3,241 extra-curricular activities.
Correctional officer. Prison guards have to intervene in conflicts between the inmates, search and seize dangerous objects from bunks, and make sure no one escapes. Actually, that's an eerily accurate description of everything I've done in the last 24 hours.
Nuclear reactor operator. Since my current job includes harnessing massive amounts of energy and dealing with frequent meltdowns, it seems to me like I'd be a perfect candidate.
Dog trainer. Let's just say I have lots of experience in using treats to teach small, non-verbal creatures how to do what I want them to do. This is my entire potty training strategy.
Human resources director. I'm responsible for facilitating communication and making sure everyone in this house gets along. And believe me, if one kid feels that something isn't working out, they let me know.
Hazardous waste management technician. I've cleaned up diaper blowouts so epic they could be the basis for a new comic book series.
Director of marketing. The same kid who turns up his nose at stuffed zucchini for dinner will eat it all and ask for seconds if you just bill it as "pizza boats." FYI, this trick also works the opposite way.
Archaeologist. I regularly dig up forgotten artifacts from between the couch cushions, under the oven, and on top of the refrigerator. I even do occasional excavation work behind the washing machine and under the toddler's car seat.
Game show host. I'm good at facilitating game play. Whenever our family plays a board game it's my job to remind everyone when it's their turn. Every. Single. Time. Seriously, I'm the only one who even pays attention.
Parole officer. When one of my kids messes up, I'm on them like white on rice to make sure they're following the terms of their probation. I can do this indefinitely until they convince me of their rehabilitation.
Interpreter. I have years and years of experience in deciphering complete nonsense and relaying it in standard English to whoever's talking to my toddler.
Sports commentator. I clock about 100 hours a week during the school year yelling encouragement from the sidelines of a field or court. In the off-season, I can be found by the side of the pool "watching this" and giving play-by-plays of 50 identical-looking cannonballs.
When you think about it, being a full-time mom is actually great for your resume. And that's even before you add in your marketable skills as a maid, short-order cook, janitor, taxi driver, and drill sergeant!