Finding Hope Again
It wasn't until I was inadvertently forced by a dear friend to take a long, hard look at what it was that I was still so desperately seeking--that I was inexplicably reaching out to find. It wasn't until I had no choice but to analyze his perceptions that I ultimately had to face my own. And as I did so, two words continued to ring out from the very Stake Conference talk that President Keogh had gotten up to give nearly 18 months before. The very talk that had answered my prayer and inspired me to make the right choice in the first place. "Let go of what you think you want," he'd said.
Two simple little words that, for me, held so much meaning. It was time to finally let go. To admit that I had been right so many months ago. That I wasn't good enough, and I never would be. That no matter how "together" I thought I was, I couldn't really do this.
And that was ok.
"You can't do this, Misty
You aren't good enough.
And you never will be...
At least, NOT ON YOUR OWN."
I once read that the reason that Satan is so good at deception is because he uses the truth to deceive. The truth, sprinkled with one simple, little lie. For me, that lie was that I had to do it on my own. That if I couldn't stand on my own, that if I couldn't get through mortality by my own devices, then I was a failure. That I was good enough...that I was special enough...that I was elite enough...and that I was different enough that I could "lean on my own understanding." That I--in my fallible, flawed, prideful, mortal thinking--knew better than He did. That I was in control.
What was I thinking?
I do need Him! I do need the Gospel. And I ABSOLUTELY need the Spirit. I CAN do this. But not the mortal me. Not the one that thinks she's so awesome and knows everything. The divine me. The eternal me that's trapped inside this imperfect body and waiting desperately to be spiritually fortified. The me that I was always meant to be.
Establishing Peace with My Imperfections
And to get there, I first have to let go. I have to let go of what I think I want. I have to let go of my vision of the way things are supposed to be. I have to let go of my expectations and inhibitions. I have to let go of my understandings and interpretations. I have to let go of my imaginary control. I have to let go of how I think things should play out and trust that the person who is in charge knows what He's doing.
I never understood until the moment I came to that realization, what it truly meant to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Because of my prideful and rebellious personality, I quite literally had to be slammed against the shore before I'd ever figure it out. Ultimately, I left the Church because I thought I wasn't good enough. What I didn't know was, I wasn't there because I was a leader or an inspiration. I wasn't there just so that others could learn from me. I wasn't there to share my vast knowledge and insight. I wasn't there because I was perfect.
I was there because I wasn't.
And I was there because, through Him, I still could be.
Misty is a wife and mother of two, a homeschooler, a prepper, an agrarian, a hardcore home-economist, an Emergency Management major, and (when she finds the time) an author of everything from apocalyptic fiction to preparedness curriculum for kids. She and her family enjoy spending their days in the beautiful and thriving area of Northwest Arkansas, where they hope to ride out the no doubt ensuing zombie apocalypse with their equally quirky (and just as well trained) closest friends. You can follow them in all their roller-coaster "attempts to keep the family afloat” at www.fightingtherain.com.