I remember like it was yesterday. I was a 13-year-old girl living in Pewee Valley, Kentucky. My mom and I drove to the stake center in Louisville for the first satellite broadcast just for young women of the LDS church. It was November 10, 1985, and it was the first time the Young Women theme was introduced. I can still remember the feeling of sitting there in the chapel, hearing that theme for the first time and listening to the invitation from Sister Ardeth Kapp, Young Women general president.
For a few brief moments, I was no longer the awkward girl in eighth grade with braces and acne and a really bad perm. No. For a few brief moments I was Laurel, a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loved me. I don’t remember ever feeling that truth before that day.
And to this day, I attribute every good thing in my life to that single simple moment in time.
I have seen in my life and the life of others the power that comes from knowing who we are and whose we are. It’s a pretty incredible thing to know.
The Next Step
For whatever reason, I have had the privilege of speaking to groups of teenage girls for nearly a decade. I’ve met with them in small groups and big groups. I’ve talked to them in chapels and at girls camps. I have felt this deep, passionate desire to help them understand that they are daughters of their Heavenly Father who loves them. Because that was a truth that was so important for me to know as a teenage girl, I thought that was the message they needed to hear from me.
Until last summer.
I found myself at what would be the first of many girls camps I would attend that summer. As I looked out at the group of 150+ girls, a thought came to me in the middle of my message. I wasn’t sure how it was going to play out, but I sensed it was something I needed to do.
“Look around at all the girls here. If you see one of the kindest girls you have ever met, will you raise your hand?”
Within seconds, dozens of hands shot up.
I invited one girl to share who she was thinking of. She said a name and then pointed another girl out. Then another shared and did the same. And then another.
“Okay. And if you see one of the most honest girls you’ve ever met—like this girl has your back—you know your name is safe with her. If that girl is here, will you raise your hand?”
Another group of hands shot up. This time, there was a little bit of emotion both for the girl who was declaring who she felt safest with and for the girl who was finding out someone trusted her that much.
“Now, look around again. Do you see a girl here who is courageous? Maybe she has gone through something difficult and you’ve been inspired by her, or maybe she seems to be able to stand up for what is right even when she is standing alone. If you see that girl here, will you raise your hand?”
This time, in addition to more than a dozen hands of the young women, there was the hand of one of the priesthood leaders who was joining the girls camp that night. I called on him. I’m pretty sure his daughter will never forget the day her dad witnessed to the world that he thought his daughter was courageous. She heard her dad say he thought she was strong.
That experience, played out over and over again at more than a dozen girls camps last summer, got me thinking. I was amazed at how quickly girls wanted to share how they viewed another girl in their circle. They were passionate about it and often emotional. I realized these girls knew exactly who they were in the midst of. And then I started to realize something else.
These girls knew who they were, too.
Stronger Than Ever
There is something stirring in the hearts of girls today. For all the discussion about “mean girls” and “body image issues” and “false media messages”—none of which I discount to exist and be a problem—my experience in nearly a decade of working with teenage girls has shown me that some- thing has changed. Something is different.
In a world that tries to weaken the inherent strengths of women, in a world that wants to turn girls into sexual objects at a young age, in a world that promotes the antithesis of that Young Women Theme introduced more than 25 years ago, I see a world where young women are stronger than ever.
I began talking to girls at firesides and via e-mail and on Facebook. And I began having a much different conversation with them. Instead of teaching them what I thought they needed to hear, I started asking questions that let me see what they already knew. I wanted to learn how they viewed themselves and how they viewed their Father in Heaven. And I loved what I was hearing. They “get it.” They really, really do.
In a recent survey, I asked 40 LDS girls a series of very simple questions. The responses confirmed my experiences with girls this past year.
1. Do you really believe you are a daughter of God?
2. Do you pray every day? If not, how many times a week do you pray?
3. Do you want to be married in the temple?
4. Do you think that you will?
5. List five words that describe you.
6. Do you believe you have a life mission? 7. What do you want to be when you
“grow up”?
8. Do you want to be a mom?
9. Are you happy? Why or why not?
Seventy-eight percent of the girls said they prayed every day.
All but two of the girls said they wanted to marry in the temple.
The girls easily came up with five words that described them, and they were all positive words.
Thirty-eight of them believed they had a purpose in life.
Thirty-nine out of 40 of the girls wanted the privilege of motherhood and many listed that as what they wanted to “be” when they grow up (other answers included national guard, florist, architect, doctor, photographer, baker, teacher, pharmacist, chemist, veterinarian, artist, cosmetologist, dental hygienist, interior designer, surgeon, a person that helps people, singer, translator, author, dietician, news reporter, graphic designer, actress (“perfectly moral, of course”), something worthwhile, and nurse).
All but one girl said they were happy.
Those responses say a lot about our teen girls today, and my experience would not lead me to disagree with one bit of it.
And the question that was answered the same by all 40 girls is the foundation for helping these girls move forward in their progression. When asked: “Do you really believe you are a daughter of God?” every single girl said “yes.”
After 25 years of repeating the truths of the Young Women Theme, I think it might be safe to say that these girls, most of whom have mothers who first learned that theme, have the concepts of being a “daughter of God” woven into their DNA. They get it. They believe it. That is not to say that they don’t struggle at times with insecurities or peer pressure (something that they will likely never totally outgrow— do any of us?), but those struggles do not define them.
It is true that teen girls today face a myriad of challenges perhaps unlike any other time. Some of these girls find them- selves consumed or overwhelmed by those challenges. But, as I’ve met with girls all over the U.S. and talked with girls in other parts of the world, I see small armies of girls everywhere who seem to know who they are.
Take Parnward Maleerat, “Mink,” as one example. Mink started meeting with the LDS young women in Pak Kret, Thailand, when she was 14. She knew this was a group of girls she wanted to be a part of.
Finally at the age of 16, her parents gave her permission to be baptized. In Mink’s world, she is the “small army.” “I’m the only LDS member in my family, and it’s sure hard!
I sometimes doubted in my ability, but as I’ve learned that my Heavenly Father loves me, I’ve learned that He trusts me enough to be the pioneer and the blessing for the next generation. Living the gospel makes me happy and feel alive and full of energy.”
Mink feels the power of being a part of something bigger than herself. She doesn’t have the benefit of being in a “typical” situation but has the benefit of understanding her identity. And that is what I see in girls from all over.
Now this is not to say that they do not need to be reminded from time to time about their identity. Surely we need to combat messages that try to confuse their identity. But we must be careful not to spend so much time talking to girls about things they know that we don’t take advantage of the opportunities to invite them to do something as a result of what they know.
These girls are strong; these girls are poised to do more good in the world, not at some future day when they “grow up,” but today. Now.
They are ready for great things—and we need to help them know how they can accomplish them.
So, what can we do?
Invite Them
Young women today want to be part of the conversation. They are anxious to talk about what they know and how they feel. They really have been listening to what we’ve been trying to teach them, and when we treat them as if they have something to offer and something to share, they step up to the plate.
Try something the next time you are with a group of teenage girls: Instead of teaching them what you know, invite them to share with you what they know. Have them talk about how they see their Father in Heaven and what they think He thinks about them. Invite them to relate a recent experience of having a prayer answered. Ask them to tell you how they know of their divine identity and how that knowledge makes them feel. Let them tell you how they see the world. Have them identify the messages in the media that they don’t agree with. Give them chance to define who they really are. And then invite them to do something as a result of that knowledge.
I often talk to these girls about the truth that young women who believe they are daughters of God live completely different lives than young women who don’t. Then I challenge them to find one thing they can do (or not do) to show they believe that truth. Invite them to do something different in their lives. Challenge them. They’re ready for it.
Encourage Them
Standing up to the challenges these girls face in the world today can wear a girl out. Oftentimes what appears to be a lack of interest or a slump of apathy is nothing more than a bout of exhaustion. An encouraging word or note, a little text letting them know you are thinking about them, or a “shout out” on Facebook can go a long way. Let the girls in your life know they are not alone. Pray for them and talk about the fact that you are praying for them.
Let them enjoy a break from their lists and responsibilities and extra commitments. They need a “time out” just like the rest of us, and they need to see and feel what good fun and recreation is. I’ve often told people that I feel like one of my responsibilities in life is to introduce girls to the world of Jane Austen. And I take that role very seriously! Few things are more enjoyable than watching Emma with a group of girls for the first time. Creating an environment that provides an escape from the difficult challenges of life can be very encouraging to girls today, and that kind of encouragement opens up dialogue. I’ve had many conversations about the important matters on a girl’s mind after she just had a chance to catch her breath and take a break in a wholesome environment.
The most powerful result of encouragement comes when you talk to these girls as if they are already stronger, more committed girls than they might currently be. Dr. Wendy Watson Nelson refers to this as the “as if” principal. If you have a girl you’re worried about, talk to her “as if” she is a stronger girl than she maybe thinks she is currently. Sometimes they just need a little reminder of who they could be, and then they live up to being that girl.
Lead Them
We can’t underestimate the powerful influence of example. Every single one of us could likely name a person that has had a profound impact on our lives. Outside of our parents, this person might be a teacher or a youth leader, an aunt or a parent’s friend.
Girls watch their adult counterparts. They listen to conversations. They pay attention to testimonies. They observe what we wear and what kinds of movies we are watching. They also notice how we spend our time. If we are inviting and encouraging a teenage girl in our lives to “step it up,” we need to be “stepping it up,” too.
Girls today don’t need more best friends. They aren’t looking for adults to dress and talk like their peers. They are looking for something more. They want to have interesting conversations about things that really matter. So, they need adults who are willing to lead them to those things that matter.
Once these girls get experience following adults they can trust, they become leaders themselves for other teens around them. So don’t be afraid to be the adult who leads.
Learn from Them
While most of my experience has been with teenage girls, because of my professional responsibilities, I also often have the chance to meet with my peers. And I find
it interesting that the topics are often the same. This has forced me to ask a few simple questions: Are we adult women really that different from our younger counter- parts? Do we really know more than they do? Do we understand any better who we are and what we should do because of that knowledge?
Life does something to us as we get older. On one hand, we do know more and we do understand better—life’s experiences help create deeper wells. We’ve likely had more reasons to get on our knees. We’ve have more instances of receiving spiritual help in our lives. But we’ve also known more disappointment and more heartache. We’ve had more time to make mistakes and beat ourselves up. We’ve failed more because we’ve attempted more.
Teenage girls are just at the beginning of learning some of the things we already know, but they are also just at the beginning of a life full of hope and dreams and joys that some of us think we have already lost. They see a bright future ahead of themselves. They have expectations of making a difference. They absolutely believe that they have unique missions to perform in life. They are hopeful about their future. Few things are as energizing as being around that kind of hope.
And so, perhaps that puts them in a position to teach us a few things as well. Don’t be so anxious to teach them everything you know that you miss the opportunity to benefit from learning what they know, too. These are smart girls. Learn from them.
A Bright Future
Whenever I walk away from spending time with teen girls, my most often expressed sentiment is that “the world is in very good hands.” I hear news stories and commentaries about all the negative elements in the lives of teenagers today. I know how easy it is to get discouraged about their challenges. But, I’m telling you, that is not the picture I see with so many of these girls. The girls I’m talking to are strong. In the most recent Young Women General Broadcast, the young woman who offered the opening prayer declared, “We know who we are.” They really do. We need to acknowledge that and help them act on what they know.
One of the best-kept secrets about LDS young women is that in a world where so many girls are attempting to identify them- selves by experimenting with ideas and experiences, we are surrounded by girls who already understand what identifies them. They know what their divine identity means. And that knowledge has them poised and ready for great things.
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Laurel Christensen is Vice President of Product Development with Deseret Book, former director of Time Out for Women, and the author of several books and talk CDs for young women, including LYFSGUD: If God Sent You a Text Message, Who’s That Girl?, and He Loves Us and We Love Him.
-Great Programs for Teen Girls-
Especially for Youth: After years of successful sessions at BYU, this popular youth program is now available in cities all across the United States and other parts of the world. EFY is a weeklong program for boys and girls ages 14–18. Sessions fill up quickly so make plans early for summer 2012. Details are available online at ce.byu.edu/yp/efy.
Time Out for Girls: Time Out for Women is hosting a new event just for teen- age girls. Time Out for Girls will take place on Saturday during the Time Out for Women event in select cities. It’s a chance for young women, ages 12–17, to join together and hear music and messages designed just for them. For dates and registration details, visit tofw.com.
Retreat for Girls: Now in its seventh year, Retreat for Girls is a weeklong program that takes place at Utah State University for girls ages 12–15. It provides a unique opportunity to build testimonies and friendships with girls from all over the world. There are two summer sessions. Visit retreatforgirls.com for more information.
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This article originally appeared in the May/June 2011 issue of LDS Living.