If you’ve ever wrestled with feelings of spiritual inadequacy or uncertainty, you’re not alone. In fact, before he was an articulate Apostle, the late President Jeffrey R. Holland was a young teenager questioning whether he should even serve a mission.
In the candid new biography Jeffrey R. Holland: A Witness for Christ, Church historian Matthew J. Grow shares a surprising story about President Holland’s mission evaluation—one that will reassure anyone who wants to deepen their testimony.
Jeffrey R. Holland’s Decision to Serve a Mission
Later in life, President Holland was known for testifying powerfully about his experience as a young missionary in England. “No young man was ever more affected by a mission and his mission president than I was,” he once declared.
But many don’t realize that President Holland agonized over if and when he should serve a mission.
During his freshman year of college, he was dating Patricia Terry, who would later become his wife. After Pat graduated high school, the two began having more serious conversations about their future as a couple and if a mission was on the table. Grow writes:
“Inspired by the examples of her older brothers, Pat felt that he should serve a mission. Jeff was less sure. Missionary service was not yet seen as obligatory for all worthy young Latter-day Saint men, even though some of Jeff’s close friends in his ward … were preparing to serve. Nobody in Jeff’s family had served a mission, and Jeff had not seriously considered missionary service as an option. ‘I thought missions were sort of for do-gooders who couldn’t do anything else,’ he recalled.1”
President Holland also worried that serving a mission could impact his relationship with Pat. “For perhaps the first time, Jeff began to wrestle between love and duty, heart and heaven,” Grow explains.
At the time, he was only 19, and the minimum age for male missionaries to serve was 20. But with Pat’s encouragement, Jeff met with his bishop to explore the possibility of serving a mission early.
His bishop, Lester Gubler, had heard rumors that the age requirement might soon be lowered and told Jeff that he felt “the unusual course of heaven may be at work” with the adjustment.2 Bishop Gubler recommended that Jeff visit the Church’s Missionary Department in Salt Lake City to request to submit his application early.
Mission Evaluation: A “Fair” Testimony of the Gospel
After a six-hour trip on a Greyhound bus from St. George, Jeff visited Gordon B. Hinckley’s office at the Church Administration Building. Then-Elder Hinckley was serving as an Assistant to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
According to Grow, the meeting was less-than encouraging. The biographer writes:
“Elder Hinckley, nearly buried by books and papers and with his sleeves rolled up, hardly looked up from his work when Jeff entered the office. ‘Well, what do you want?’ Elder Hinckley asked, somewhat gruffly. Jeff responded quickly, ‘My bishop told me to come and talk to someone here about going on a mission.’ Elder Hinckley responded, ‘Why do you want to go?’ Nervously, Jeff responded with a slight stammer, ‘Well, I don’t know. … I want to go. I think I should go.’ Jeff’s confidence was evaporating quickly. ‘How old are you?’ Elder Hinckley asked. When Jeff responded, Elder Hinckley stated simply, ‘You’re supposed to be twenty.’ After a little more discussion, Elder Hinckley told him, ‘This is all I need to know. Go home and don’t tell anybody you’re going on a mission because you’re probably not.’3
“The interview lasted less than ten minutes. Deflated, Jeff headed back to St. George on another bus. Meanwhile, Elder Hinckley filled out a form titled ‘Report of Interview with Proposed Missionary by One of the General Authorities.’ Elder Hinckley recorded that Jeff was physically and emotionally healthy, had ‘good’ personal appearance and ‘alertness,’ obeyed the law of chastity and the Word of Wisdom, and had a genuine desire to serve a mission. In response to the question, ‘What is your appraisal of the candidate’s testimony of the gospel?’ Elder Hinckley wrote ‘fair.’4”
This assessment of President Holland’s young testimony may come as a shock to those familiar with his bold, eloquent sermons as an Apostle. But this detail highlights the tremendous growth he made throughout his life and reminds us that, with faith and persistence, we all have the capacity for profound spiritual development.
His Life-Changing “Endeavor”
One week after meeting with Elder Hinckley, Jeff received an unexpected letter from the Church Administration Building. He and Pat opened the envelope together, and Grow writes that all that “Jeff could see in the letter were the words ‘British Mission.’5”
Jeff was granted an exception to serve early, and soon after, the Church officially lowered the minimum age for all male missionaries to 19.
According to Grow, Jeff was thrilled about his mission call and wrote the following in his acceptance letter to the First Presidency: “I will endeavor to serve the Lord & the Church well while fulfilling my mission.”
Growing a testimony often means facing opposition, and for Jeff, some of that tension came from inside his own home. His father, Frank, was less active in the Church, which led to some arguments between him and his son as Jeff prepared for a mission. Thankfully, they worked through these difficulties before Jeff’s departure. Grow explains:
“Small clashes became more frequent, with Jeff sometimes criticizing Frank for his lack of devotion. After one such moment, as Frank felt judged by Jeff, Frank told his son abrasively, ‘Go on your mission. Go, convert people on your self-righteous mission.’6
“Despite such flare-ups and friction, both Jeff and Frank made efforts to reconcile, and Jeff left on good terms with his father. At Jeff’s farewell sacrament meeting, Frank spoke on the mission of Alma in the Book of Mormon. It seemed appropriate that Frank would share a story of a once-wayward soul who had been reclaimed through prayer and faith.”
Even after he made his decision to serve and gave his farewell address, he continued to question whether it was the best choice for his life and relationship with Pat. He confided in his journal, “I am quite anxious to know whether I’ve done the right thing. I probably know it’s the ‘right’ thing to do but I have my qualms.”7
“The Lord Won’t Let Me Down”
During his week at the Mission Home, a training center in Salt Lake City for missionaries waiting for their visas, Jeff renewed his commitment and faith to serve. His parents; his sister, Deborah; and Pat stayed nearby and visited with him occasionally, which was permitted under missionary guidelines.
Although he felt overwhelmed and uncertain about his choice, Jeff received counsel that buoyed his spirit and strengthened his resolve. Grow explains:
“Leaders such as Harold B. Lee, Spencer W. Kimball, and Mark E. Petersen, all Apostles, as well as members of the First Council of the Seventy, had offered to talk with the young missionaries who were struggling with their testimonies. Jeff inquired about the possibility of such a conversation with Elder Kimball. … Elder Kimball’s words brought peace to Jeff’s heart. He also attended the Salt Lake Temple with other missionaries, met with his parents, and prayed with Pat. ‘I received new strength,’ Jeff reflected in his journal. ‘I’ve never felt so wonderful. I know the Lord won’t let me down.’ This reassurance became a cornerstone of his testimony. When he later reassured the Saints that ‘the Lord will do wonders among you,’ it was not theory. It was memory.8”
Throughout his life, President Holland testified of the many ways that serving a mission changed his life and taught him to “[love] the gospel of Jesus Christ with all his heart and soul.”
While serving a mission isn’t for everyone, we all can grow our testimonies and develop a stronger knowledge of divine truth. To those wanting to deepen their testimonies, take heart from President Holland’s encouraging words:
“What was once a tiny seed of belief for me has grown into the tree of life, so if your faith is a little tested in this or any season, I invite you to lean on mine. ... Hope on. Journey on. Honestly acknowledge your questions and your concerns, but first and forever fan the flame of your faith, because all things are possible to them that believe.”
A new biography on Jeffrey R. Holland
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Notes
1. JRH, interview, Nov. 3, 2023; MHM, “Our Southern Utah Heritage,” 162–63.
2. JRH, interview, Nov. 3, 2023.
3. JRH, Short Autobiography Manuscript, 29–30, JRHBRF; JRH, interview, Nov. 3, 2023; Sheri L. Dew, Go Forward with Faith: The Biography of Gordon B. Hinckley (Deseret Book, 1996), 194–209; MHM, “Our Southern Utah Heritage,” 163–64; JRH, interview, Nov. 3, 2023.
4. Missionary Recommendation Form.
5. JRH, Short Autobiography Manuscript, 31; JRH, interview, Nov. 3, 2023.
6. JRH, interview, Jan. 5, 2024.
7. Quoted in Matthew J. Grow, Jeffrey R. Holland: A Witness for Christ, 50.
8. JRH, Journal, Sept. 4–6, 1960; JRH, “Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders Among You,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2016; see also Joshua 3:5.
