10 Hilarious Breakup Lines Straight from the Scriptures

10 Break-up Lines from the Scriptures

Let’s face it. Breaking up is hard to do. There’s no easy way to do it. Sayings like, “Let’s just be friends,” or “It’s not you—it’s me,” sometimes work. I mean, they’re classics if not a bit overused and perhaps a little trite. Did you know that the scriptures happen to be an excellent source of creative breakup lines? 

We got the idea from Hank Smith and his great talk, "Break Up With the World." So for those of you who are waiting to break up with your significant other after Valentine's Day, use these clear one-liners from the scriptures. But beware—use them at your own risk! 

1. “You draw near unto me with your mouth, but your heart is far from me.” This cheeky one is inspired by Matthew 15:8: “This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me.”

2. “Touch me not, for God shall smite you.” You can always go straight up Abinadi and tell them to back off! (Mosiah 13:3)

3. “Get thee behind me, [insert name]: thou art an offence unto me.” Nothing better to get rid of someone than to compare them to Satan. (Matthew 16:23)

4. “I shall lay you aside and look for something better.” This one comes from counsel the Lord gave to the early Saints in New York. “And verily I say unto thee that thou shalt lay aside the things of this world, and seek for the things of a better” (D&C 25: 10)

5. “But, wo, wo, unto you that are not pure in heart.” Jacob was serious about the chastity of his people—you should be too! (Jacob 3:3)

6. “Yea, I hated all my labour which I had taken . . . because I should leave it unto the man that shall be after me.” This one’s for the guys that always end up breaking up with a girl who gets engaged to someone else three months later. (Eccl. 2:18)

7. “Because I have called, and ye refused.” Nothing’s worse than being constantly turned down. You’re better off without them! (Proverbs 1:24)

8. “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” No one wants to be with someone who’s constantly frustrated and angry. Trust me, the wilderness will keep you better company than they will! (Proverbs 21:19)

9. “Say unto [insert name], Thou art my sister.” They’ll definitely know they’ve been put in the “friend zone” if you call them your sister or brother. (Proverbs 7:4)

10. “May I speak unto thee?” And last but not least, there’s the Biblical version of “We need to talk.” And nothing ever really needs to be said after that. Message heard, loud and clear. (Acts 21:37) 

Break Up with the World by Hank Smith

Elder Holland: To My Friends Who Want to Believe

In this entertaining and inspirational talk, Brother Smith explains the importance of “breaking up” with the things of the world that keep us from getting closer to the Savior. This hilarious talk will leave you in stitches while also giving you some serious food for thought. Find it at Deseret Book.

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