As the parents of three children, all of whom have sensory processing sensitivity associated with autism and ADHD, Nathan and Maria Lewis are intimately familiar with the joys and challenges that come with neurodiversity. Following their kids’ respective diagnoses, they say they’ve gained empathy for other parents in similar situations, especially as they navigate church attendance.
“It can be frustrating to feel like you’re always the squeaky wheel as you explain your child’s needs to leaders and teachers,” Maria expresses. “But you can help educate others. You can be an advocate for greater acceptance and support.”
LDS Living recently sat down with Nathan and Maria to discuss how ward members can create an inclusive church environment for neurodivergent children. As a professor with a research program focusing in part on autism, Nathan is an expert in aspects of neurodiversity and has presented on the topic of faith and neurodiversity at Church headquarters. He has also developed materials for classes about neurodiversity for his ward and stake. Maria holds a degree in psychology and has valuable experience implementing accommodations in her home and Church callings.
In our discussion, they share tips for requesting accommodations, misconceptions about neurodiversity, and the priceless role each individual plays in the body of Christ.
Why is accommodating neurodivergent children at church so important?
Nathan: One in 5 children is neurodivergent, and many have sensory sensitivities to light, sound, touch, movement, or taste; others have increased sensory needs. Our oldest daughter has ADHD and seeks sensory experiences. For her, going to church was painful because she was expected to sit still when she physically couldn’t. I went through the research on this, and I learned that she wasn’t being dramatic—these experiences can cause physical pain in some children. Meanwhile, another daughter struggled with background noise in sacrament meetings since her autism comes with heightened sound sensitivity; she sometimes needed noise-canceling headphones to participate.
If a child’s first associations with church are painful, it can be really hard for them to develop a testimony. Church is where we go to draw nearer to Heavenly Father and the Savior and to become part of a community. If you’re dealing with sensory challenges, it can be harder to feel the still, small voice because you have all these other sensory things drowning it out.
What accommodations at church have you found to be especially helpful?
Maria: Teachers have let one of our kids walk around or stand up in class, which has been really helpful. Because she’s a sensory seeker, sitting in a chair is very difficult for our daughter.
We found that the other kids in class got used to it, and none of them asked to do it. I think when teachers have explained, very simply, that occasional walking is something our child needs to do, the other kids have understood that she has different needs. She’s come home and told us things she remembers from the lesson—so, the walking really helps her focus, which is counterintuitive to many people.
When I was Primary President, we had a few kids in Primary who had autism or ADHD. With the bishop’s approval, I extended callings to several of them. One of them became the prelude pianist for Primary. Another was called to be a helper and would put things on the board for the teacher during lessons. Another child needed a higher level of support, so we called someone to be their aide. These were kids who might have otherwise been termed “problem children,” but when their needs were met, the difference in their behavior was night and day. They were able to pay attention and really enjoyed Primary.
There were a couple of children with autism in the Sunbeams class who couldn’t sit for the entirety of our annual Primary program. Making them stay on the stage for an hour was chaos. We decided that, after they did their parts and sang a couple of songs, we would excuse them to sit with their families. It would’ve been lovely to have all the kids participating for the whole time, but it wasn’t working. It was also hard on the kids. For a lot of these things, there are no rules.
Nathan: In the Church, there are core doctrines, and many other things are just cultural. I appreciate when people are flexible with the cultural stuff. One of our children went through a period where she struggled with the sensory experience of wearing skirts, so she wore shorts to church instead. People were very understanding about that.
It’s helpful to ask, “How can we take our current setup and make small changes so everyone can feel the Spirit?” For those who are neurodivergent, their window of being able to feel the Spirit can be smaller in some situations. We need to figure out what we can do to help them along the way.
Dr. Ross Greene, a well-known child psychologist, says, “All behavior is communication.” If you see a child who seems disruptive or hard to contain, they’re saying something. It’s not necessarily, “I’m bored and don’t want to listen.” It’s often, “I’ve got this feeling in me that I’m trying to manage. And I’m acting this way to regulate myself.”
The idea behind this is that it’s best to address the person’s needs before you address the behavior. When their needs are met, they will feel calm and be able to feel the Spirit.
What tips do you have for parents seeking accommodations?
Maria: When I’m advocating for my kids, I reach out to their teacher over email or text because that’s a little less intimidating. I don’t focus so much on my child’s diagnosis but more on their specific needs or challenges. For instance, I’ll say something like, “My child has sensory seeking,” and I’ll mention some things that have worked in the past. Later, if I learn that the teacher or my child is struggling, I may request a more specific accommodation that could help.
I’ve appreciated when teachers and leaders are flexible in creating unique solutions tailored to our children. Being curious, asking questions, and listening to the parents makes a big difference.
Nathan: I’ve found it’s helpful to say, “I’ve noticed…” For example, if there’s a child who has dyslexia and struggles to read out loud in class, you could approach the child or their parents and say, “I’ve noticed some kids in class don’t seem to enjoy reading out loud. I was wondering what your thoughts were on that.” Making a statement about what’s going on in class instead of a judgment helps open the conversation in a safe way.
What do you wish more people understood about neurodiversity?
Maria: Sometimes people want to present disabilities as superpowers. It can be very invalidating if you’re the one with the diagnosis because some of the struggles that come with it really are disabilities. You don’t have to look at these things in a negative way, but you also don’t have to hype them up, because they’re not superpowers. They’re also not a death sentence. They’re just differences.
Nathan: A number of these conditions come with executive function struggles, or the ability to do what you know you should be doing. ADHD is notorious for executive function deficiency. This can be especially difficult when a lot of what we do in church is about doing what we know is “right.” If it’s a character trait we’re struggling with, we need to work hard to overcome it. But if it’s part of our biology, it’s something we may need to have a little more grace with. People with ADHD may show up late to meetings because they struggle with measuring time. People with autism might struggle with certain activities that have increased sensory demands, and they may have to leave early.
It’s really important for neurotypical people to understand this. That way, they can have patience and grace with neurodivergent people. It’s critical that our actions and accommodations invite them to participate in the ways that they can. That’s the essence of the gospel and the Atonement of Jesus Christ—showing mercy to others and accepting grace.
How have your experiences with neurodiversity strengthened your testimony?
Maria: I have felt my Heavenly Father’s love for my children and His power working in their lives in miraculous ways. I’m humbled by His trust in me as their parent. In turn, I have grown to trust Him with absolute faith that all He does is for our good and that He will not fail us.
There’s only so much we as parents can do to help our children overcome challenges. But the knowledge that Heavenly Father knows them perfectly, including their disabilities and their strengths, is very humbling. As I’ve prayed, I’ve seen His hand in my kids’ lives, which makes it impossible to deny that He knows us and that He’s there and that He’s real. Some prayers go unanswered for now, but I still feel Him saying, “It’s okay. There will be an answer at some point.”
Nathan: In 1 Corinthians 12:12 and 21 we read, “For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ. ... And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.”
We need every part. We need everyone with every different strength. This has changed the way I work with my children and has also provided me with an assurance that the Savior is looking out for both them and me. Through the grace of the Atonement, He’s going to make us the best that we can be.
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