I grew up watching superhero movies; I’ve always been a huge fan of justice served with swiftness and style. So whenever I heard the phrase “turn the other cheek” as part of the gospel I claimed to believe, it felt dishearteningly permissive. Doesn’t exposing yourself to a “second slap” give the offender more power?
For me, the mystery of this higher law began to dissolve when I had to figure out how to forgive the people who disrespected my younger sister. I had to learn what it meant to handle hurt without becoming hurtful myself.
The Difficult Invitation
Turning the other cheek is perhaps the absolute hardest when the person being hurt is not ourselves but someone we love.
My sister has a disability. She’s had to work hard her entire life to do things that come more naturally to others, like writing, reading, and speaking. Even with these challenges, she chooses to demonstrate a singularly sweet, optimistic nature. Given her circumstances, her accomplishments in life are a stunning testament to her own persistence and my parents’ diligent support.
While almost everyone who meets her instantly adores her, there have been some peers over the years who have mocked the ways she says and does things. This used to fill me with rage—especially when she was betrayed by people she considered friends at church and school.
As an older sister with plenty of friends, I knew I had the power to exclude and berate those younger girls. I admit (shamefully) that it was more than tempting. But one day, the Spirit stopped my angry thoughts dead in their tracks:
“You’re the best friend she comes home to every day. You’ve been by her side since day one. How do you treat her?”
Could I account for my own behavior toward my sister? I was sometimes impatient and rude. In that moment, I realized I had to hold myself to a higher standard if I expected the same from others.
The Dignified Response
The Savior’s Sermon on the Mount not only replaced the eye-for-eye Mosaic law, but it also challenged the honor culture of the time.
In Jesus’s day, a backhanded slap on the right cheek showed contempt toward someone of lower status. When this person then turned their head, it challenged the offender to strike open-handedly on their left cheek, an expression of contempt used between social equals. This means that, rather than retaliating, the person being insulted was reasserting their dignity by confronting the offender with a choice.
Jesus’s command to turn “the other cheek” isn’t to pretend that we haven’t been hurt, nor is it an instruction to remain in danger or tolerate ongoing mistreatment. It is a call to exercise moral agency, even when someone else has behaved badly.
Christ’s higher law invites us to be actively accountable—not just for the harm we cause but for the way we respond to the harm others cause us. We cannot control another person’s choices, but we can refuse to let their behavior shape our own.
The Slow Transformation
When the Spirit transformed my anger into awareness of my own behavior, I began to understand the opportunity in front of me.
I could have been rude and retaliatory toward the girls who had hurt my sister. Instead, I tried to exemplify how I hoped they’d treat her.
From then on, I resolved to be more present when spending time with my sister, to talk to her, enjoy her, and really get to know her. Most of all, I made sure to include her when we were around other girls.
Over the next few months, I noticed two things.
First, the young women who’d been cruel to my sister—girls who I knew looked up to me and craved my approval—began behaving more kindly toward her.
Second, the girls who typically fought with their own sisters began to treat and talk about them like they were their own best friends.
Suddenly, it was cool to love your sister!
I hadn’t demanded an apology or humiliated anyone into changing. Instead, the Spirit guided me to invite the change I wanted to see by modeling it myself.
Sometimes this invitation won’t be accepted. That’s OK. The same Savior who taught us to turn the other cheek also gave us permission to walk away from harm and contention (Matthew 10:14, 23).
But perhaps more often than we think, others will rise to match our behavior and energy. Our willingness to act differently can make room for them to act differently, too.
And for all of our own sins and offenses, the Savior waits with open-faced patience, ready to show us a better way. It’s a standing invitation; will we accept it?
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