A single woman may mistakenly believe:
if she walks across the room to meet a man, he’ll be more interested in her;
if she is excessively and easily available, he’ll want her;
if she is his friend, he’ll eventually fall in love with her;
if she takes care of him, he’ll appreciate her;
if she provides sex, he’ll commit to her.
Although women who believe these things may hope to get the attention, affection, and commitment of the people they date, they are more likely to fall into the "too nice" or "good for now" trap. And the reason why is simple: Men love through sacrifice (theirs, not hers).
Men love through sacrifice
Many women prevent men from making sacrifices by doing too much of the work. When you give him your number before he asks for it, call him, drop plans to be with him, hang out (instead of expecting him to take you on dates), do things for him, and (worse yet) act sexual with him, you deny him the privilege of sacrificing for you. The more deeply a man sacrifices the more deeply he loves. Thus, the more you do for him, the less he does for you, and the less he feels for you.
To secure more attention, affection, and commitment now . . .
Use your femininity and warmth to encourage a man to invest in you. Smile and wave at him from across the room. Engage fully in conversations with him. Learn and use his name, smile at him, and touch him when talking with him. Accept his offers to open a door, carry something, or help you (and show gratitude when he does). And instead of lingering too long, leave him with a challenge by stating you need to go but would like to get to know him better - then walk away, trusting he'll ask for your number if he's interested.
Show more faith in him and his sincere interest in you by not being immediately available. Strike a balance between being excessively available and too busy for him by responding to his calls within 20 minutes to 2 hours. And when responding to pointless texts, text back with “Sorry. I’m pretty busy right now. But I would love to talk with you on the phone later today. I will be available between 6 and 7 p.m. I’d love it if you call me then :-) .” And when he asks for a date at the last minute, respond warmly by saying, “I’m so sad. I’m not available tonight, but I’d love to get together with you on Tuesday.”
Save your weekends for dates (not guy friends). Show men that you are happy and confident by making plans and doing fun things with others. If he asks to spend time with you at the last minute (and especially on the weekends), kindly say, “I’m sorry to ask, but I don’t know how to act unless I know: would this be hanging out or a date? The reason I ask is because I save my weekends for dates.” Pause and wait for his response. If he says it’s a date, say “Great!” and accept. If he says it’s hanging out, act warm and unaffected and say, “Thanks, that helps. I’m sorry, but I'll need to take a rain check. I’m sure you understand.” Then smile and walk confidently away, with gratitude that you discovered the truth and can give the best of yourself to only those men who invest in dating you.
Match his efforts, don’t exceed them. Men like to be the hunters, not the hunted, yet they will gladly let you take over and do all the work if you’re willing. To ensure that he becomes (and remains) fully engaged in the relationship, step back and follow his lead instead. Wait for his call rather than calling him (do return his calls when he leaves a message). If he calls you three or four times, then call, text, or email him on occasion to show him that you will invest too. Just don’t do these things more often than he does or he’ll feel less of a need to contact you (assuming that you will contact him soon anyway).
Stand strong relative to your feelings, rights, needs, and values. Men like women who like themselves. They also like women who express their feelings, rights, and needs in a feminine, constructive, and positive way (rather than in a criticizing, nagging, or whining way). Most men will not only honor the boundaries you set, but they will also respect and value you more because you express them and stand firmly behind them. A man who doesn’t respect your feelings and boundaries is usually a man who lacks empathy, self-control, and personal responsibility, which are the core warning signs of a manipulative and abusive personality. This type of man is not interested in loving and valuing you. You are a means to his own ends. So stand on firm, but loving, ground (especially when it comes to your moral boundaries).
Regardless of your dating past, you need to know, itʼs NOT you—itʼs your technique. With the right knowledge and skills, you can find the relationships you are looking for.
To avoid hundreds of other dating mistakes or issues like these, visit ItsYourTechnique.com, where you will get instant access to FREE dating advice, articles, audios, and videos from Alisa Goodwin Snell. Her love-changing theories and techniques will make dating easy and fun.
Alisa Goodwin Snell is a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating coach with 17 years of experience. Alisa is the author of the Mormon Dating System.