I spend most of my days surrounded by hundreds of teenagers and young single adults as an institute and seminary teacher. I have the best job in the world!
I frequently get asked for tips on how to answer questions young people or their friends have.
Before we get into specific questions, I want to say that it is vital to create a healthy culture of questioning. Questions are a good thing, so don’t shy away from talking about them.
In fact, President M. Russell Ballard has said: “Gone are the days when a student asked an honest question and a teacher responded, ‘Don’t worry about it!’ Gone are the days when a student raised a sincere concern and a teacher bore his or her testimony as a response intended to avoid the issue.”
Most questions I’m asked show that teens and young adults are pondering the perennial why. But so often they are afraid to voice their thoughts because they don’t want to be seen as not having faith. And when they do find the courage to ask, we as parents and leaders aren’t always prepared to help them discover answers for themselves. We can get better by following Elder David A. Bednar’s counsel that the most important truths are “caught—not taught.” We can help our youth catch the why behind many of their questions.
To help you get started, I spoke with many of my seminary teacher colleagues, and we identified six pressing why questions we each get asked regularly. And while there isn’t always a “one-size-fits-all” answer, here is our advice for answering each question.
1. Why does God feel so distant from me?
Feeling disconnected from God is a common experience. Teens need to understand that spiritual closeness fluctuates, and it’s natural to go through periods of doubt or distance. Here are a few ways to help them in this situation:
- Normalize the experience: Share personal experiences or stories of spiritual leaders who have felt distant from God at times.
- Help them recognize the voice of the Spirit: What are they looking for? I often find that teenagers think that feeling the Spirit means something different than what they are already feeling. One of my go-to quotes that I always share when teaching about the Spirit is from Sister Amy Wright:
One of my favorite things to do is ask children, youth, and young adults, “How do you hear the voice of the Lord? How does the Holy Ghost speak to you?” I asked my niece who, at the time, was the captain of her high school soccer team. She indicated that sometimes the Holy Ghost feels like a rush of adrenaline as if she had just scored a winning goal. Another young woman who loves to surf off the California coast said that sometimes the Holy Ghost feels like a warm wave had just washed over her entire body. A young man who is an engineering major and very academic, very analytical, said, “Sister Wright, I don’t feel anything.” I said, “Interesting, tell me about that. Teach me.” He said that the Holy Ghost speaks to him in a “very matter of fact, commonsense, orderly kind of way. It just makes sense.” Can you imagine if he had been taught his entire life that the Holy Ghost manifested Himself only as goosebumps, tears, or a warm feeling? He would have spent his entire life thinking that the heavens were closed and that God did not speak personally to him.”
- Highlight patience: Emphasize that spiritual growth often involves cycles of closeness and distance, and reassure them that God is always present, even when He is not felt. Really help them identify times in the past when God has been there for them—why would it be different now?
2. What if I don’t ‘know’?
Let them know that it’s OK to not know! It is a wonderful thing to say, “I hope God hears my prayers” and “I believe the Book of Mormon is true.” Perhaps share with them this story from President Jeffrey R. Holland:
“A 14-year-old boy recently said to me a little hesitantly, ‘Brother Holland, I can’t say yet that I know the Church is true, but I believe it is.’ I hugged that boy until his eyes bulged out. I told him with all the fervor of my soul that belief is a precious word, an even more precious act, and he need never apologize for ‘only believing.’ I told him that Christ Himself said, ‘Be not afraid, only believe’ a phrase which, by the way, carried young Gordon B. Hinckley into the mission field. I told this boy that belief was always the first step toward conviction and that the definitive articles of our collective faith forcefully reiterate the phrase ‘We believe.’ And I told him how very proud I was of him for the honesty of his quest.”
I would also recommend reminding young people that belief is a choice—it’s something we choose every day. Elder Neil L Anderson said, “Faith in Jesus Christ is a gift from heaven that comes as we choose to believe and as we seek it and hold on to it.” It’s OK not to know, choose to have hope, and keep moving forward trusting that answers will come and help will be given.
3. Why do commandments matter? It all just seems really restrictive and does God really care if I ... (insert any rule or commandment here).
When I hear this question, I think it stems from not understanding the character of God and our relationship with Him. Sometimes we see rules instead of seeing our Father in Heaven. Elder Robert H. Daines in his recent general conference talk said,
“You may struggle to see God as a loving Father. You may look heavenward and see not the face of love and mercy but a thicket of rules through which you must wend your way.”
Explain that Heavenly Father is not an umpire looking to strike us out, or someone wanting to throw a wet blanket on our fun. The reality is that He cares about us more than we can imagine, gets us perfectly, and wants the very best for us.
Commandments are not arbitrary rules imposed to restrict freedom, but rather guidelines for experiencing more joy. They provide structure, promote harmony in relationships, and ultimately lead to personal growth and spiritual development.
I like to think of commandments like an hourglass:
A commandment may at first feel restrictive. It funnels down until we hit the middle of the hourglass, which represents the consequence of our choice to keep the commandment. Then because we have obeyed, more things are open up to us and we experience more freedom and more joy.
4. How can I help a friend or family member who is struggling spiritually?
Simple: you love them. Help youth remember that they have a Savior, and they are not Him. Leave the job of saving to the One who came here to do that exact thing.
We need to love people in—not hate, lecture, or explain them out. And if they still don’t come in the answer is still the same. LOVE THEM. And true disciples of Christ don’t just tell people they love them, they show them. Consider inviting your young person to think about how they can show love to someone they are worried about. How can they follow the Savior’s example to reach out to, believe in, and give hope to people?
5. How do I counter or process so many negative messages and voices about the Church on social media and elsewhere?
Although this is a tricky topic for so many, I think the answer is really quite simple. If (or when) you do come across negative voices, make sure you spend equal or more time listening to voices you know you can trust: living prophets, words in the scriptures, and Heavenly Father through prayer.
Many people become confused or stressed by things they see on social media but then don’t address their feelings. Remind your youth that if they hear, see, or read something negative, they can go to divinely appointed sources. They can do the work to understand truth.
I’d also encourage them to take a close look at who they follow online and who they give time and attention to. Remember, what you spend time on will quickly fill up your feed.
6. Why does church even matter?
When the fastest-growing religion in America is currently irreligion, helping our youth understand their personal why for going to church is crucial. As it has been beautifully put, we need to help them hear the music of the gospel and not just learn the dance steps.
Help your youth understand that in a world that is becoming increasingly divisive, confused, chaotic, and isolated, the gospel of Jesus Christ is the remedy. Our wards and stakes provide unity rather than division, clarity over confusion, order in place of chaos, and community instead of isolation.
Also help them understand that we believe that our ultimate purpose is not only to have a connection with God (spirituality), but to become like Him (potentiality).
The Church of Jesus Christ is not only designed as an instrument to connect us to our heavenly parents but as a messy, hands-on, immersive laboratory in which we get to learn and grow and practice becoming more like Them. Not all, but a significant portion of this lab work occurs through our experience with the community aspect of church.
The community is the perfect laboratory to learn selflessness, patience, empathy, and compassion; and eventually have our hearts knit together in love with first dozens, then hundreds, and possibly even thousands of people. I go to church to become like Him, not just to have a connection with Him.
In conclusion
Asking questions isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a precursor of growth. God commands us to seek answers to our questions and asks only that we seek “with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ” (Moroni 10:4).
Learn more about teaching and questions in the links below:
▶ 4 principles to help you respond to any sincere question—even when there aren’t easy answers
▶ What is the best thing I can do as a gospel teacher? Sunday School General Presidency’s surprising answer
▶ How to find the answer to any life question in the scriptures
▶ The most productive thing you can do for your testimony is also the simplest
When Church Is Hard
If you are struggling with questions and seeking to square your intuitive sense of the good found in the Church with questions about its history, doctrine, culture, or practices, this book is for you. Available at Deseret Book and deseretbook.com.