Latter-day Saint Life

9 Signs He's Not "The One"

You've found a guy you're crazy about, but should you continue to date him? If any of the following signs sounds familiar, it's probably time to move on.

Why do women (or men, for that matter) stay in relationships that aren’t quite right for them? True, no relationship is perfect, but if you find yourself ignoring the following red flags, you might want to cut your losses and look for someone who is a better fit. Here are 9 signs he isn’t “the one.”

1.    You can’t be yourself. Does he frequently criticize you? Do you walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting him? Do you act differently around him than you do with your family and friends? If you have said yes to any of these questions, do you really want to do spend your life that way? You deserve to be with someone who accepts and loves you for who you are.

2.    You’re the only one who is giving 100 percent. Relationships are all about give and take, but if it feels like you’re killing yourself to make things work, that isn’t a good sign. Are you the one doing all the compromising or making all the sacrifices? Is everything on his timeline or his terms? If so, he’s not investing in you nearly as much as you’re investing in him, and he probably never will. Time to find someone else.

3.    You’re ignoring a deal-breaker. I’m not talking about the list of qualities you want your dream husband to have. I’m talking about the handful of must-have qualities or common goals, the things you absolutely refuse to compromise on—at least, that’s what you always told yourself until now. No matter how much you love a man, if there is a deal-breaker that comes with him, you will be seriously shortchanging yourself in the long run. Be true to yourself and what you want out of life.

4.    He has lied to you. If you know he has lied to you—even about something seemingly insignificant—believe me when I say it will not be an isolated incident. A guy once lied to me about his age so I would go out with him. He confessed his real age a few weeks later, and I immediately dismissed it. He was nervous, after all, and there was no harm done, right? Wrong. I learned later he had lied to me several times during the months we dated. So, does your guy really have a current temple recommend like his online profile states? Is his divorce really final? Was he really with his parents last Saturday night? If you know he has deceived you, that’s your cue to immediately end the relationship, no matter how much you like him.

5.    There is always a “dangling carrot” or “moving target.” I’ve run into this a couple times. Both men I dated for a substantial period of time. With the first guy, I grew anxious about our relationship because I didn’t feel like it was progressing. He liked me and wanted to keep me around, so he constantly made empty promises to placate me. “I have a big surprise in the works,” or “I promise I’ll spend more time with you after this project is finished” were common phrases—and they never came to fruition. With the second guy, there was always a reason why we couldn’t be exclusive, even though we dated for months. Every time I thought we had addressed his concerns, he always came up with new reasons. If your guy is constantly moving the target or dangling a carrot, it’s because he likes you and wants to keep you around as long as possible without having to actually commit to you. Chances are overwhelming that he doesn’t want a serious relationship, no matter what he tells you.

6.  He doesn’t make you a priority. If he is always too busy to see you or does nothing more than try to occasionally fit you into his schedule, then you need to admit to yourself that you aren’t a priority in his life. Bottom line: people make time for what’s important to them. If a guy is serious about you, he’ll find a way to be with you.

7.    It’s difficult to have important conversations with him. In any successful relationship, communication is vital. So how can you hope to build a future with someone who can’t or won’t discuss important issues or share deep feelings? Yes, some of these conversations will be uncomfortable (DTR, anyone?). But if you can’t work through disagreements or discuss your relationship openly, it’s a sign he’s not ready for commitment. If all you get from him are vague or ambiguous answers, you have your answer.

8.    He has never said, “I love you.” Saying the “L word” for the first time can be scary for anyone. But if you’ve been dating a guy for a substantial amount of time and he’s yet to tell you he loves you, he probably doesn’t. And, ladies, if you’ve already told him that you love him and he still hasn’t said it, even though he is sure what your response will be, then it’s definitely time to move on. If you’re sure he loves you but he’s not saying it, it means he doesn’t want the relationship to become more serious. Life is too short to waste on someone who is either unwilling or incapable of expressing his love for you, let alone someone who doesn’t love you at all.

9.    Your gut tells you something is wrong. No matter how deeply you love someone, if your instincts are telling you he’s not the right one for you (or, more accurately, a right one for you—click here to read about the "soul mate" myth), then pay attention. As much as you want to be in a loving relationship, it’s more important to listen to the Spirit.


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