I sat at the back of Sunday School, quietly making faces at my babbling, beaming baby while listening to ward members share comments about parenting teenage and adult children. Many of them grieve for relationships with children who’ve wandered from the faith they were raised in.
I looked down at my daughter, sparkles in her eyes and bubbles on her chin, and thought, Where are you going to go? How can I always be your safe place, your home?
Christian parents well know the proverb: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
But what about when children do depart from it?
Well, this is a proverb, not a promise. Misinterpreted aphorisms like this have led many parents to despair over the unexpected results of diligent gospel-centered parenting.
Hope resurfaces in the original Hebrew of this verse: The phrase “in the way he shall go,” al-pî darkô (עַל פִּי דַרְכּוֹ), actually translates closer to “according to his disposition” or “in line with his own path” in English.
So we’re given the alternative: Train up a child according to his disposition, and he will not forget it. In other words, see the child in front of you. Learn their unique personality, longings, and inclinations. Children will misunderstand or forget some of what we try to teach. But they will remember how they were loved—especially the unmatched feeling of being truly seen and cherished.
Perhaps the lodestar of that love will someday tug wandering hearts toward the love of God. Perhaps the familiarity of it will anchor them through life’s tempests. Perhaps the certainty of it will safeguard your relationship, faith in common or not. What matters is that it’s there. Regardless of the outcome.
A neighbor of mine shared how she preserves individualized love for her adult children who no longer attend church:
“I think about how I want and need to feel loved in all my phases of life. They also need to feel that same love. My relationship with them comes first. If they ever make the decision to come back into the church, they’re going to need a safe place to land, and I want to be that safe place for them. I also remember that, even before they are my kids, they are children of God. And every child of God deserves to be loved wherever they’re at.”
She also offered this reassurance to parents whose children, like hers, have chosen to walk away from the faith they were raised in:
“It gets easier with time. Preserve your relationship with your child. It’s OK to let go of expectations and mourn the loss of a future you hoped to have. But don’t dwell there. There are still great and beautiful things in your children’s lives to look for and celebrate. I like to repeat to myself: ‘Because He rose, even when nothing in our lives seems right, we know that nothing will ever be permanently wrong’” (Scripture Central).
Some hearts learn what it is to wander and wonder. Others learn what it is to watch and wait. Both are positioned to better appreciate the Redeemer’s open arms.
How I wish I could keep my precious daughters bubble-wrapped in a safe little room full of coloring books and kisses. But they came here to learn. While we’re on Earth together, I’ve been trusted to show them around, share the few things I know, and point them Home. They will test their own premortally won agency. They may grow up to disagree with me. They may wander.
Wherever they go, I’m determined to be there for them, seeing and adoring them for their own growth’s sake. That’s what my Father has done for me.
More articles for you:
▶ The smart way one mom is prepping her teens for the temple endowment
▶ How one couple raised 8 kids to recognize the Spirit for themselves
▶ 5 ways your words can bless the people in your home
