In my mid-30s, I felt I could not continue with the Church. Deeply painful experiences—including many miscarriages and a divorce—left me with an aching soul and a firm belief that I could never fit in with other Latter-day Saint women.
I remember praying to God, asking why such hard experiences were part of my life. The next morning, the apps on my phone froze—except the Gospel Library app. So, I randomly picked a talk to listen to on my way to work. It was “Overcoming the World” by Elder Neil L. Andersen. I was surprised at how much the talk resonated with me, and I actually felt some peace.
But one talk didn’t erase the deep pain in my heart. Problems in my life kept mounting, and soon, every spiritual memory I had felt tainted. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the Church anymore and started smoking and drinking with my friends after work. The alcohol helped me feel better in the moment, but the painful disappointment always came back.
After a few years, I went to visit some friends in Thailand, a few of whom are members of the Church. They told me that Elder Andersen was in the country visiting the construction site of the Bangkok Thailand Temple. When I heard Elder Andersen’s name, I was stunned. Listening to his talk was the last positive experience I’d had with the Church. How was it that we were now in Thailand at the same time?
My friends also told me the Church was looking for someone to take photos at a devotional Elder Andersen would be giving for the young single adults in the area. I have a background in photography, and my friends encouraged me to do it. I was hesitant to go be in a room full of Latter-day Saints, but I was so taken aback that Elder Andersen was in the country that I went.
I stayed quietly in the background with my camera, carefully following Elder Andersen as he greeted the people and spoke at the devotional. And for the first time in so many years, I felt the Spirit and remembered how joyful the gospel could be. I felt so seen by God and was brushing tears away from my eyes as I took pictures.
Throughout the night, thoughts from the Spirit filled my mind, and something became very clear—if I wanted to heal the pain in my heart, I needed to go back to the temple.
When I got home to California, I started meeting with my bishop. It took time to be ready to reenter the temple, but once I did, it felt like cracks in my testimony—and the cracks in my heart—were slowly being filled in. When I’m in the temple, it’s like I’m hearing a purer language that speaks to and heals my soul. With time, I felt ready to commit more fully to the Church and gospel than I ever have before.
Now, I work in the distribution center near the Oakland California Temple, helping people with their first set of sacred temple clothing. I enjoy my work because it feels like a small way I can help others on their way to experience the spiritual healing I’ve received myself. The house of the Lord truly means everything to me.
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