John “Keoni” Kauwe knows a thing or two about helping young adults. As the president of Brigham Young University–Hawaii, he works closely with young people from all over the world. In fact, he and his wife, Monica, live in a house amid campus dormitories.
“We have 2,000 20-year-old neighbors,” President Kauwe says on a recent episode of the All In podcast. “If I walk out the front door to throw the football with my boys, I’m going to see 70 students in 20 minutes.” The Kauwes also regularly eat lunch with the students in the dining hall.
On All In, President Kauwe recently answered, “What would you say are the best things parents can do to prepare their children for leaving home for the first time, whether for college or a mission?”
How to Prepare Children for Leaving Home
1. Live and teach the gospel with exactness in your home.
A parent’s example of living the gospel has a powerful impact, but President Kauwe suggests taking it a step further.
“To the level of maturity of the child, … help them understand the choices the family is making and why,” he says. For example, rather than only telling a child what we do or don’t do on the Sabbath, teach them the principle driving those choices.
“That’s been really important for our kids,” he says.
2. Point out the blessings of honoring covenants.
For example, President Kauwe recommends frequently pointing out when you feel the Spirit together. Additionally, if the family comes across a scenario where not honoring covenants led to undesirable outcomes, make a note of that to your children.
“You can’t teach faith, but you can encourage your children to see the fruits of faithful living. You can encourage your children to want to test the Lord … to see if He will deliver on His promises,” he says.
3. Love your children enough to have hard conversations about when they need to change.
“I see in many of our current students [that] they just haven’t had enough people in their lives love them enough to say, ‘That habit isn’t going to lead where you want,’ or, ‘You can’t behave that way,’ or ‘You can’t talk to people that way; it’s not going to lead to the long-term outcomes you desire,’” President Kauwe says.
His oldest son, Sai, is on a mission, and shortly into his service, Sai expressed how he could see that the hard conversations his parents had with him left him better prepared for his mission.
An Important Clarification
Then, President Kauwe said he felt prompted to share a qualifier.
“It’s dangerous [because] sometimes as parents, we take so much blame—or so much credit—for our kids, [but] we also need to pay attention to the fact that, [while] we do need to do this teaching, … we also need to, as our children get older, step back and understand that they’re making some of their own choices. We can’t take all the credit or all the blame for how things turn out,” he says. “We just have to love them and know that we did our best to teach them through our example.”
You can hear more from President Kauwe on the All In podcast, which is available on all major streaming platforms.
More articles for you:
▶ Have a homesick college student or missionary? BYU president offers an antidote
▶ How a classical pianist went viral as the ‘Rapping Missionary’
▶ This might be the best thing to tell someone before they receive their endowment
