Recent research from Stanford University revealed that the way we talk to children about their behavior has a profound impact on their self-perception.

In one study, groups of children ages 3 to 6 were encouraged to either “Please come help” or “Be a helper”. The “helper” groups showed significantly higher willingness to act than those who were simply asked to “help.” That tiny “-er” change—from verb to noun—made an enormous difference.

Why?

Because kids want to be something good, not just do something good.

Words like “helper,” “problem solver,” or “peacemaker” tap into a child’s developing sense of identity. They don’t just describe an action—they describe a person. And when we help our children see themselves in those roles, they’re more motivated to act in alignment with that identity. (It works for adults, too; researchers found phrases like “Be a voter,” “Be a recycler,” etc. to be more effective.)

And of course, the Master Teacher knew and used this teaching tool long before we “discovered” it.

When I learned about this modern psychological principle, my mind immediately flew to two of Jesus Christ’s most iconic sermons. When He spoke to multitudes on the mountains and later, when He visited the Americas, He taught primarily with identity-based language:

• “Blessed are the poor in spirit...”
• “Blessed are the pure in heart...”
• “Blessed are the meek…”
• “Blessed are the peacemakers...”

The Savior didn’t just command or explain behavior—He provided us with roles to embrace. Peacemakers. Givers. Worshippers. Lovers. Teachers. Leaders. Light sharers. He wants His disciples to understand that it’s not so much about what we do as it is about who we are becoming.

By using an “-er” vocabulary, we can mirror Christ in helping our children see themselves as people who are good, not just people who do good things. Those moments accumulate into a sturdy internal compass they can, and will, use on their own.

Try a simple shift in your language when talking with your child.

Instead of:

“Be nice.”
“Try hard.”
“Behave.”

Try:

“You’re a good friend.”
“You’re a hard worker.”
“You’re a peacemaker, just like Jesus taught.”
“You’re a problem solver—you figure out tricky things.”
“You’re a disciple. You follow Christ even when it’s hard.”

Children will hear countless voices telling them who and what they should be. A Christ-centered identity is the best thing they can carry out the door each morning; it will guide them through recess arguments, classroom problems, and daily decisions.

In an address to thousands of young students, President Russell M. Nelson recently emphasized the power of identity-based language in the way we talk to and about ourselves. He said,

Each parent has the power to think and teach as the Savior did. Be a nurturer. Be a cheerleader. Be a teacher. Be an enthusiastic believer in who they can be.

More articles for you:
▶ An unexpected way to be like Christ: spend time alone
▶ The best thing to do with your missionary as soon as they get home
▶ 4 signs of the Second Coming that will fill you with hope

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October 25

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