Divorce is a tricky topic in a faith that strives for forever families. I won’t pretend to be an expert on the topic, but I can say that I have been able to cross paths with quite a few divorced members—including my husband.
Those relationships led me to agree wholeheartedly with what Sister Reyna Aburto once said, “I have witnessed the unique and important impact that people from different sorts of life have in God’s work, in their families, at Church, and in their communities.”
Specifically in my life, my faith has been impacted and blessed in important ways by my relationships with members who have been divorced. Here are a few specific examples.
Vulnerable, Judge-Free Advice
Interestingly, I’ve found that divorced members can often become the go-to people for advice. Why? My hunch is that, because it’s a little more obvious that they haven’t had a “perfect Latter-day Saint life,” we’re a little more willing to open up to them.
I’ve seen faithful divorced men counsel with other men who are going through a divorce and help them feel hope during the darkest times. I know another divorced member who is often asked to talk with other members from all over the country—friends of friends who are going through a divorce
And we don’t just turn to these members when we’re seeking advice about divorce.
“People go to my mom—who has been divorced for more than 30 years now—to talk about everything,” said a member in Utah. “They know she won’t be judgmental and that she’ll have empathy.”
The purpose of our mortal lives is to gain experience and, wow, divorce is nothing if not experience.
Seeing Far Beyond Labels
Another key thing I’ve learned from my friends is there is more to all of us than the labels we are sometimes assigned.
I think back to a sister whose friendship I’ve grown to cherish. She’s vibrant, hilarious, incredibly talented, a spiritual giant, successful in her career, and a loving mom and grandma. It took me a while to learn that she was divorced and, eventually, I asked her to tell me more of her story.
Turns out, she’s been divorced for decades now, but as a young single mom, she moved states, put herself through graduate school, and provided for her family. She’s had fabulous adventures and has overcome a lot of tricky life stuff, which makes her (A) a wonderful advice-giver, and (B) the best storyteller! She is so much more than her divorce.
Sharon Eubank, former counselor in the Relief Society, wrote:
“During mortality, people label us and divide us into categories—single, Nigerian, returned missionary, Hyundai driver. The variety is almost funny—but these categories mean very little from the eternal viewpoint. President Dallin H. Oaks, First Counselor in the First Presidency, recently taught us that only one label matters: “Each of us is a child of God with a potential destiny of eternal life. Every other label, even including occupation, race, physical characteristics, or honors, is temporary or trivial in eternal terms.” God is truly “no respecter of persons” (Acts 10:34; see also Alma 1:30).
Knowing this truth helps me understand my eternal purpose. I came to the earth with eons of experience and talent. I also came with certain responsibilities personal to me. My macro-mission is the same as anyone else’s: have experiences, repent and forgive, gain ordinances, and serve others. My micro-mission, however, is specific and part of a divine plan for me. If I’m doing my best to keep my covenants, the life I’m living now is part of that plan. I want to respect the life the Lord has given me; it isn’t a punishment I’ve been given because I wasn’t good enough.”
My takeaway: we all are so much more than our labels or circumstances!
Inspiration to Stay
In 2014, President M. Russell Ballard recounted a friend’s whitewater rafting experience on the Colorado River, where the river guide stressed that no matter how rough the water may get, they had to “remember rule number one: stay in the boat!”
It’s commonly acknowledged that divorce is one of the most stressful life events, second only to the death of a loved one. Moving and job loss are also in the top five stressors, and these often coincide with divorce. Talk about white-water rapid-level rough times!
In talking with several divorced members, they all stressed, in their own words, the importance of staying in the boat. Some of their wisdom included:
- “My marriage may have ended, but my covenants with God did not. I leaned into them big time.”
- “The Atonement became so much more real to me.”
- “There were days that I’d pray every few minutes just to get through.”
- “I turned to God for answers. I really learned how to recognize the Lord’s revelations and answers to me.”
- “I learned that God has a survival plan for everyone and it’s distinct.”
I’ve gained strength from watching divorced members “stay in the boat.” Their experience navigating messy life circumstances with faith helps me do the same.
A Stronger Testimony of Beauty from Ashes
Every divorce situation is different, but it seems to always involve pain and sorrow, which can both last a long time.
We’re promised in Isaiah that God can give “beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning.” Seeing other members with such a visible challenge as divorce find beauty for ashes is such an example to me.
One divorced member found beauty through ashes by accepting a call to serve as Relief Society President not long after her marriage dissolved. Yes, Relief Society President!
I assure you, her bishop wrestled over issuing this call for several months. But the promptings did not go away and, with faith and tears in his eyes, he asked this sister to consider the calling.
This is not the average situation, nor am I recommending this as a solution for all members. But, for this sister in her unique situation, the beauty emerged through the ashes as she served.
Several ward members shared their thoughts with me about this sister, her service, and the timing:
“Her willingness to open her broken heart to anyone who needed her perspective or understanding was amazing to me. Most of the time we don’t want to dig up those feelings—especially at that time it was still very raw for her. But she opened her heart and shared and cried and loved several women who were facing similarly tough circumstances and I know that wasn’t easy.”
“I don’t think enough can be said about how much representation matters. So many feel they’ve failed in living the gospel when their lives don’t turn out perfectly. It’s not true of course, but so much of our culture can lead people to feel that way. What a signal to any of those women who felt like there maybe wasn’t a place for them at church or that they no longer fit into the gospel plan. To see themselves represented in such a meaningful way must have meant the world to them.”
The Bottom Line
Being married to someone who has experienced divorce is eye-opening. It’s given me greater insight, respect, and love for my husband (who will, undoubtedly, cringe at these comments!). He has felt the lowest of lows and clung to his covenants and connection with Jesus. He’s adapted to life changes and forged deeper relationships with his kids and family.
The growth he experienced as a result of divorce has helped him become quick to accept others, with an eagerness to understand and without judgment. It’s also helped me appreciate other members who have experienced divorce and their contributions even more than I did previously.
The bottom line is this: we all need each other. And that’s exactly how our heavenly parents intended.
Additionally, here are few fast rules I’ve learned from people who have been divorced about how we can respect them:
- “What happened?” is probably not the best question.
- There’s no such thing as a normal divorce.
- A divorced parent’s schedule is often not their own.
- If kids are involved, no matter what age they may be, holidays are a bit weird.
- Acknowledging the pain and caring in a respectful way can be helpful.
- As President Russell M. Nelson said, “They do not need your judgment. They need to experience the pure love of Jesus Christ reflected in your words and actions.”
▶ You may also like: Elder Andersen’s sweet advice to a young father fearing his children will leave the Church